Pop Culture Odds and Ends – Act of Kindness Edition

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A few weeks ago, within a 24 hour span I witnessed two people perform random acts of kindness for strangers. The first was a woman at the grocery store who gave money to the woman ahead of us in line that was counting change to pay for all her purchases; the second was a woman who bought coffee and a breakfast sandwich for a man who was either homeless or had mental health issues (or both). Seeing both of these things happen so close together had a profound effect on me; I realized that I really need to be doing better job of contributing to the goodness in the world. Both these incidents were reminders of just how good I actually have it and that I should make paying it forward more of my routine rather than an aberration.

So in the spirit of giving back, I’ve decided to raise awareness for a charity that is near and dear to my heart – The Children’s Tumor Foundation. My dear friend’s son has neurofibromatosis (NF), which causes tumors to grow throughout the body and can lead to blindness, bone abnormalities, cancer, deafness, disfigurement, and learning disabilities. Connor is a fabulous kid and he and his family have handled his diagnosis with far more grace than I ever could. They are simply my heroes. While I’d love to join them for the Children’s Tumor Foundation NF walk in Dallas, that’s logistically impossible. However, I’ve joined their fundraising team to help contribute in any little way that I can.

If you enjoy this blog, please consider making a small donation to help support this charity; I will be linking to my fundraising page every Wednesday until the walk in the hopes that I can help raise awareness and some much needed funds for research. I know that there are many charities that are vying for your time and money, so I appreciate you considering this request.

Don’t worry…I haven’t completely lost my edge with this new charitable awakening; you’ll still get the same snark and sarcasm that you’ve come to expect from As Heather’s World Turns. I still take glee in ripping apart a terrible film; my cold black heart remains fairly in tact.

So without further ado, here’s your weekly roundup of all things pop culture; as usual, it’s chock full of all sorts of goodness. So kick back, relax and catch up on all the pop culture that you might have missed!

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  • Ha! The Colbert Report had a little fun with Gwen Stefani’s embarrassing pronunciation in their opening credits lat night (lower right in the photo below):

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  • Foreshadowing? Bryan Cranston was a member of his high school chemistry club:

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  • Kari, Tony and Grant have left Mythbusters. The show will be going “in a new direction,” which sounds kind of ominous.
  • 50 Cent will donate $750,000 to charity of Floyd Mayweather can prove he can read:

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  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus received congrats from Joe Biden on her Emmy win:

 

And now, we pause to catch up on some new trailers

  • Another week, another Gotham trailer:

 

  • LEGO Batman 3 trailer:

 

  • An adaption of the Stephen King novella A Good Marriage:

 

  • A new teaser for Better Call Saul:

 

  • Brad Pitt in Fury:

 

  • A new trailer for Gone Girl:

 

  • We finally have a real American Horror Story: Freak Show teaser:

 

  • That not enough? Here’s a second AHS teaser:

 

  • Nicholas Hoult and Michael Shannon in Young Ones:

 

  • A book trailer for The Simpsons Family History:

 

  • Shailene Woodley and Eva Green in White Bird in a Blizzard:

 

  • Foo Fighters’ Sonic Highway:

 

  • A trailer for the third (and final) season of The Newsroom:

 

  • Lifetime released a trailer for their Brittany Murphy biopic:

 

  • A teaser for the return of The Comeback:

 

  • A different side of Katie Homes in Miss Meadows:

 

  • A teaser for the new season of The Vampire Diaries:

 

  • A teaser for the new season of Girls:

 

As always, we end with the mashups and supercuts

  • Sin City redone as an 8-bit video game:

 

  • Another Bob’s Burgers/Guardians of the Galaxy mash-up:

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  • Game of Thrones dubbed with the sounds of vintage video games:

 

  • A supercut of robot movies:

 

  • LEGO Ghostbusters:

 

  • The many music video personas of Taylor Swift:

 

 

  • A best man speech set to Frozen’s “Let It Go”

 

  • A supercut of the most memorable deaths on True Blood (obvious spoilers):

 

  • And finally, The Office meets Game of Thrones:

2014 Primetime Emmy Running Diary

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Another day, another award ceremony. This back-to-back schedule is exhausting and I am definitely not a fan. Had I known how boring the VMAs were generally going to be I would have bailed on them; I have no doubts that the Emmys will also be boring, but I always watch the Emmys. I actually care who wins these things, even if I usually wind up annoyed at half the people they honor. But I’m nothing if not a trooper – at least when it comes to pop culture endurance –so I’m back at it with another running diary. This deserves a medal of some sort.

I skipped the red carpet for the Emmys since I just couldn’t stomach Giuliana Rancic tonight – she.is.the.worst. – and my NBC affiliate decided not to show their version of the red carpet for some reason. So while I’m sure I missed out on the excitement that is the mani-cam, for my own mental health I blew off that portion of the event. Based on what I saw on Twitter, I didn’t miss much.

Just a reminder – you can see my Emmy predictions here.

8:00 – I like, but don’t love, Seth Myers. So this should be interesting.

 

8:03 – The “dramas submitted as comedies” bit killed. I didn’t think it was that funny.

8:04 – “Tonight we are all Crazy Eyes.”

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8:05 – Ha – I am enjoying these How I Met Your Mother burns. That finale was so bad. “That’s right kids Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your Mother didn’t make it. Sleep tight.”

8:07 – This is more meta monologue than I would have predicted. Not bad, Seth.

8:08 – “Game of Thrones = worst job security.” It’s funny because it’s true.

8:09 –“TV is the booty call friend of entertainment.”

8:10 – Amy Poehler/Seth Myers high five!

8:10 – Best supporting actor in a comedy.

8:10 – They couldn’t even show a photo of Adam Driver when they said his name?? That’s weird.

8:10 – Ugh – the Emmys and their stupid love of Modern Family. I will never understand it. Though Ty Burrell seem like a nice enough guy.

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8:16 -I hope Allison Williams loosens up by the time Peter Pan rolls around or we’ll have another Carrie Underwood situation on our hands.

8:17 – Whoo! Louis CK wins for best writing in a comedy series. Well deserved!

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8:18 – NBC – it is not nice to put up a notification of when other famous people will be on stage while someone is giving their speech.

 

8:19 – “Is that Matthew McConaughey?” You got so fat since the Oscars.” – Kimmel.

8:20 “Alright, alright, alright already.”

8:20 – “Ricky Gervais – that’s a television face. Not even a television face – a Netflix face.” I love that no one laughed harder at that than Gervais.

8:21 – Best supporting actress in comedy series – Allison Janney. Don’t watch Mom, but I like her.

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8:22 – Sorry – Chuck Lorre is NOT a genius. Try again.

8:27 – A very pregnant Hayden Panettiere for best guest star in a comedy series. We already know my man Jimmy Fallon won, as did Crazy Eyes. Not much suspense here.

8:28 – Ha! Jimmy stands up and waves.

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8:28 – Best Directing in a Comedy Series.

8:29 –” The best direction that Louis game me was how to hold a joint.” – Louis’ TV daughter

8:30 – I love TJ Miller.

8:30 – ARGHHHH. More Modern Family shenanigans. This blows.

8:31 – Matthew McConaughey is officially the Jack Nicholson of the Emmys.

8:33 – Billy Eichner. There’s about to be some yelling! IN A GOOD WAY!

 

8:34 – “We’re taking a collection for the cast of The Big Bang Theory.”

8:35 – “Hotmail just picked up 12 new episodes of Judging Amy

8:36 – What I am taking away from the montage is that NYC residents love Jimmy Fallon.

8:36 – Yay – Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston. #DreamTeam

8:36 – “Hold on Clark Gable”

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8:37 – Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Jim Parsons. No surprise there.

8:43 – Jimmy Fallon to present Best Lead Actress in a Comedy Series.

8:45 – Finally – they do something right. Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep.

8:45 ….who makes out with Bryan Cranston. #callback

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8:47 – That was weird camera work – they didn’t show John Mulaney and Mindy Kahling walking out.

8:48 – Maybe don’t insult realty shows right before you give them an award.

8:48 – Doesn’t Amazing Race always win this? Also – Amazing Race is still on TV?

8:49 – The Emmys are OBSESSED with movie stars; weird to single Julia Roberts out from all the other nominees. She looks uncomfortable with this.

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8:53 – Q&A with the audience

 

8:54 – A question from the gorgeous Jon Hamm. His question should have been “what does a dude have to do to win one of these.”

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8:56 – Who has the bathroom key?

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8:56 – Is that Tempest Bledsoe as an usher?

8:57 – “Time for a genre change” may have been the most awkward transition ever.

8:58 – Allison Janey and Olympia Spenser, who are here not to announce a sequel to The Help but to read the best writing in a movie or miniseries

8:58 – Stephen Moffat for Sherlock.

8:59 – Now it’s outstanding supporting actress in a mini-series or movie….

9:00…which goes to a movie star, just not Julia Roberts. The great Kathy Bates for the win (though I would have rather seen Allison Tolman win for Fargo)

9:00 – She looks VERY surprised.

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9:06 – That’s the last time Stephen Colbert will walk out to that music. Here for Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or movie

9:07 – This imaginary supporting actor bot about Roscoe isn’t really working for me; Colbert deserves better material.

9:08 – Martin Freeman wins for Sherlock. I’m OK with that over anyone from The Normal Heart (which I didn’t think was all that great).

9:09 – Kate Walsh’s dress is really, really yellow.

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9:09 – If that Muhammad Ali HBO film wins for best direction I’m going to be so pissed. That thing was borderline unwatchable…and part of it was even filmed here in Albany.

9:10 – Whoo! Fargo wins for best direction in a mini-series or movie. That makes me happy.

9:16 – More Amy Poehler is always a good thing.

9:17 – “Please welcome two guys who seem like they would be chatty in the sack.”

9:18 – Only Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey could pull off these suits.

9:18 – Wait…two other guys could too

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9:18 – Ha! Woody breaks out his McConaughey impression.

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9:19 – “I’m glad you got all the plagiarized lines.” I got it, but I’m guessing most people at home didn’t. Here’s the background.

9:20 – Benedict Cumberbatch wins for Best Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. He’s not there either.

9:25 – Kerry Washington and Liev Schreiber for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Mini-series or Movie. ANYONE but Minnie Driver please. You know how I feel about her.

9:25 – Jessica Lange wins again for American Horror Story. Did Emmy voters just recycle their ballots from last year?

9:28 – Andy Samberg is always fun. AND they are doing TV theme songs. This could be good.

9:28 – Weird Al! The Emmys just got interesting.

 

9:30 – That Homeland theme song was spot on.

9:31 – “Have a back-up. Have a back-up.” “That’s a spoiler. That’s a spoiler.”

9:31 – They just handed George R.R. Martin a typewriter in the audience. Outstanding!

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9:32 – Cersei Lena Headey to give the award for Outstanding mini-series.

9:32 – Ha! Samberg as Joffrey.

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9:33 – Fargo! Another pleasant surprise!

9:39 – I’m meh on Juliana Marguleis. There – I said it.

9:40 – The Normal Heart wins Outstanding Television Movie.

9:41 – They bring a very sick looking Larry Kramer on the stage. Nice he got to enjoy the moment.

9:42 – Hey – There’s Taylor Kitsch! In a tux! Nothing wrong with that.

9:43 – Hard to transition from death from AIDS to Ricky Gervais. But here we go!

9:44 – Gervais reads his prepared acceptance speech, even though he lost.

9:45 – Outstanding writing for a comedy special.

9:45 – Sarah Silverman wins! This could be fun. She has pot in her purse. I know this from Twitter during the red carpet.

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9:45 – Run Sarah run!

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9:46 – “”We’re all just made of molecules, and we’re hurling though space.” Yup – she’s high.

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9:51 –”Two things that can happen to your car: Key & Peele.” That is not good writing.

9:54 – Chris Hardwick, schooling internet trolls on grammar for some reason.

9:56 – Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine – I guess they do all awards shows now. On to best variety series.

9:56 – How do you NOT know how to pronounce The Colbert Report? Shame on you Gwen! You Travolta’ed the hell out of that.

9:57 – “She said it wrong, so there must have been a mistake.” Oh Jimmy Fallon. Don’t ever stop being adorable.

 

9:58 – I love that Jimmy looks so happy for someone else to win.

10:05 – I’m not sure how I feel about this rotating Sophia Vergaras bit. I hate to be a wet blanket but that was really sexist and demeaning. And the whole “new to the country” thing wasn’t great either.

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10:05 – Just a reminder – this happened less than 24 hours ago…..

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10:06 – I totally forgot that Lucy Liu was on television.

10:08 – I love Aaron Paul, but he doesn’t really deserve this. Jessie didn’t have much to do in the last episodes of Breaking Bad. This should have gone to Dinklage.

10:10 – I can’t even be mad. He’s so great. Plus he organized a pretty sweet Breaking Bad scavenger hunt today in honor of the show’s last Emmy awards.

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10:11 – Looks like it is time for the “bring out the dead” segment.

10:12 – Man, a lot of great people died this year. Like, it was a banner year for celebrity deaths.

10:13 – Did Paul Walker and Philip Seymour Hoffman do TV? I’m always unclear on why movie stars and others are recognized at the Emmys.

10:15 – Billy Crystal pays tribute to his friend Robin Williams. That was actually just right.

 

10:25 – Cary Fukunaga wins best direction in a drama for True Detective.

10:27 – Get used to it folks – Breaking Bad is gonna win a lot. Congrats to Anna Gunn for best supporting actress in a drama.

10:28 – What is up with that weird chime in the audio? That’s not part of the Breaking Bad theme.

10:34 – I may have just fallen asleep with my eyes open.

10:35 – Best writing in a drama goes to Breaking Bad, but not Vince Gilligan. Can’t be mad though – Ozymandias was an amazing episode.

10:35 – AGAIN WITH THE CHIMES!

10:38 – Viola Davis is really yelling out the nominees. WE CAN HEAR YOU!

10:38 – Julianna Margulies for outstanding lead actress in a drama series. Yawn. I’m sure The Good Wife is great, but I am too tired to care.

10:45 – Good that they finally got around to acknowledging Sara Bareilles’ singing during the In Memorium segment 30 minutes ago.

10:45 – Julia Roberts to announce Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama.

10:46 – Just leave the camera on Jon Hamm for the rest of the night. Please and thank you.

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10:47 – Bryan Cranston will not be denied. Sorry McConaughey! It’s tough to beat “the one that knocks.” Console yourself with your Oscar.

10:48 – Next year Hamm. Next year.

 

10:49 – “I dedicate this award to all the Sneaky Petes of the world.”

10:50 – Ugh. Jay Leno. Just – no.

10:51 – Modern Family wins for Outstanding Comedy Series. Because of course it does. Grr….

10:52 – I legitimately can’t think of anyone I know that still watched Modern Family.

10:56 – Almost done. Halle Berry is here to announce Outstanding Drama.

10:57 – Breaking Bad wins again. HBO has got to be rethinking their submission of True Detective in the drama category, no? They would have cleaned up.

10:58 – Oh BB cast – I will miss you so.

10:59 –And we’re done. Thank goodness!

Well, the Emmys proved once again that they love to stick with people and shows that have already won; most of the people taking home trophies tonight already have one on their mantel. There were some bright spots – Billy on the Street and Weird Al in particular – but otherwise this was a fairly humdrum telecast. I don’t  know what they can really do to make these awards more interesting, other than breaking from tradition and being a bit more modern in their award recipients.  Seth Myers was fine, but not great; at least he brought the telecast in on time. Right now, I’m just very glad that there aren’t any more awards shows for a while. I need a break.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards Running Diary

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After last year’s shenanigans, I proclaimed that I probably wouldn’t be checking in on the MTV VMAs for another decade or so. I meant it at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight it is obvious what an important cultural event the VMAs were. Sure this is an award show where the awards are almost completely irrelevant, but there’s no debating that the 2013 VMAs made an impact. After all, this was the show that had the twerking that was heard round the world and that may or may not have led to the breakup of a marriage. When’s the last time the Oscars did that? The VMAs are a train wreck, but that’s half the fun.

I was still a little on the fence about watching the 2014 VMAs since the Emmys are the next day and I worried about award show fatigue. But then I heard that one of Nicki MInaj’s dancers was bitten by a boa constrictor during rehearsal. I repeat: Bitten by a boa constrictor. That’s enough for me – I’m in. It’s got to be better than whatever disappointing crap they have planned for the True Blood finale. The shooting of Suge Knight and Iggy Azalea falling off the stage Saturday night only adds to the weirdness – and the show hasn’t even happened yet. I’ll probably regret this, but what the hell….2014 VMAs, here I come.

As I’ve done in the past, here’s a running diary of my thoughts as I watch.

Red Carpet

8:00 pm – Sway is still around? Isn’t he too old to be on MTV? He’s been wearing stupid hats since before Pharell made it cool.

8:03 – Jason Derulio. I already don’t like you because of that stupid Wiggle song. You are not helping your case by getting the fans to do the wave. #Ihatethewave

8:05 – Ariana Grande apparently went from having a show on Nickelodeon to being a dominatrix.

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8:06 – If you are winning an award that they are giving away on the red carpet, you probably aren’t that important.

8:07 – I only learned that 5 Seconds of Summer existed this week.

8:08 – The only time I ever hear about Becky G is at this stupid awards show. Do they just keep her in a box until they need her? Otherwise she needs a better publicist.

8:13 – Ugh. I’m not ready to deal with Taylor Swift this early in the broadcast. I’m also confused by her outfit. I do not get this romper trend. At all.

 

8:14 – Swift was born in 1989? That makes sense, but I’ve never done the math before. That’s depressing.

8:15 – Who in the hell are Fifth Harmony? Are these the children of the Pussycat Dolls?

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8:18 – So a fan asks Iggy a question and she and Sway totally ignore it and answer a different question. That was poor social media integration.

8:19 – Ah….It appears that they had the questions in the wrong order. This show is already going off the rails.

8:20 – “So I need to ask you about your hair.” Silence. No follow up question. Sway should be better at this.

8:21 – Gwen Stefani has not aged in 20 years. That is not fair.

8:24 – “One year later. In the same place. Except we’re not in New York” Oh Miley – don’t ever change.

8:25 – I have no idea why this cracks me up, but Miley’s leather pants inexplicably have pockets.

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8:27 – Only at the VMAs does Adam Levine look like he’s someone’s dad. A hot dad, but a dad nonetheless.

8:28 – I have no idea if Dylan O’Brian is an actor or a singer.

8:29 – Guess he’s an actor.

8:30 – Um, that is not Usher. Unless he’s had a lot of work, I’m pretty sure that’s J Lo.Y’all can’t do this to Sway. STICK TO THE SCRIPT. The old man is getting confused.

8:31 – There he is! Usher is in the crowd. The people in the crowd do not seem to give a crap about this.

8:38 – I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone perform on the actual red carpet. Does this mean that the rest of the celebrities didn’t want to talk to anyone?

8:40 – I don’t know who this Charli XCX is, but I’ve at least heard of this song. Or something pretty similar. It’s a pretty derivative pop song. And her coat looks like something from Clueless.

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8:41 – Oh. That’s the girl who sings the chorus on “Fancy.” I guess I always thought that was Ariana Grande too. All these collaborations are too hard to keep track of.

8:43 – The only thing I know about Rita Ora is that she dated Rob Kardashian and did not sleep with Jay Z.

8:54 – Apparently someone is making a big arrival, but the video feed is on a relatively empty arena. Well done MTV. You are killing it.

8:58 – Did Katy Perry just pay homage to Justin and Britney’s denim outfits back in the day? And did she just arrive with the guy that James Franco based his Spring Breakers character on?

8:59 – Ha! Yes on both counts. THIS.IS. EVERYTHING.

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2014 VMAs

9 pm – Kicking off the show with Ariana Grande. Watch the full opening performance here.

9:01 – Are those dancers wearing rain coats?

9:02 – Nicki Minaj – here we go!

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9:03 – Kardashians are in the house

9:04 – The sound quality is terrible

9:04 – Wait – I was promised snakes. I see no snakes.

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9:05 – So this must be Jessie J. That is one hell of a slit up the side of her dress.

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9:06 – Is Nicki holding her outfit on? This is a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

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9:07 – Well, if nothing else, we know that Snoop Dogg knows his L.A. regional geography.

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9:08 – Umm….I’m hearing other audio over this. I think I could produce this show better.

9:10 – Katy Perry wins the first award of the evening. Not surprising given that she’s sitting to close to the stage.

9:11 – Are Juicy J and Jessie J related?

9:12 – Jay Pharoah is this year’s host who isn’t a host.

9:13 – The first “Anaconda” joke and statutory Ariana Grande joke of the evening. That didn’t take long. Pretty low hanging fruit for this early in the show.

9:19 – Lorde is delightfully weird.

9:20 – Well at least we’re getting the Taylor Swift performance out of the way early. Watch her full performance here.

9:21 – She looks like a flapper.

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9:22 – She’s wisely left the cultural appropriation at home.

9:22 – Is it the audio or is her pitch a little off?? This audio seems to indicate the latter.

9:23 – Taylor Swift rapping will never not be hilarious.

9:23 – I don’t know if Miley is hypnotized by Taylor’s performance or just really, really high.

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9:24 – There is no way that Chelsea Handler isn’t drunk. That’s not a criticism.

9:25 – “Thank you Taylor Swift for being so white.”

9:26 – Best Male Video winner– Ron Weasley Ed Sheeran. God I hate that song.

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9:27 – Best thing about this award show is the very short acceptance speeches.

9:32 – Jay Pharoah does do a sweet Jay Z impression.

9:33 – I would totally buy HOVA-tussin “sold at local pharmacies and strip clubs.”

9:34 – Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels are doing better with this crowd than I would have anticipated, considering most of the people in the audience weren’t even born when Dumb And Dumber was released.

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9:35 – Best pop video – Ariana Grande for “Problem.” I’m kind of surprised that beat “Fancy.”

9:36 – Ariana leaves Riff Raff hanging for a high five:

9:37 – Let’s see if Kim Kardashian-West can read better than her little sister. Not a high hurdle to pass.

9:38 – I do not buy for a second that she and Sam Smith are friends.

9:39 – I don’t like this Sam Smith song either. It appears that I have a lot of problems with pop music currently. Watch his performance here.

9:46 – This just got really serious. I’m not sure the VMAs is the best place to discuss Ferguson.

9:47 – MTV probably could have shown some non-black people during that moment of silence.

9:47 – The Kardashian/Jenners apparently forgot about the audience cam since this is what they were allegedly doing during the moment of silence:

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9:48 – Drake wins best hip hop video, but isn’t there.

9:53 – Now Jay Pharoah is doing his Kanye. Again, it’s pretty spot on.

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9:54 – The Jenners are finding this hilarious.

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9:56 – Orange is the New Black in da house!

9:57 – Usher. Finally someone I actually like. Watch his performance here.

10:01 – I hope Nicki Minaj is getting paid per performance.

10:02 – I hope Usher didn’t give himself a concussion when he bumped his head off Nicki’s butt.

10:07 – This is a weird combination – Trey Songz and Nina Dobrev.

10:08 – This is also a weird grouping of nominees. Lorde, Imagine Dragons, Artic Monkeys and Lincoln Park all in the same category?

10:08 – Hey Trey Songz – don’t so sound so surprised that a lady was nominated in the Rock category.

10:09 – Taylor Swift is very happy that Lorde won.

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10:09 – They gave her the wrong camera direction.

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10:15 – Oh HELL no. They did NOT just call the 1990s“the good old days.”

10:15 – I’m confused how 5 Seconds of Summer were influenced by Blink 182 and Green Day. This sounds nothing like either band. Like, even remotely. And when they say “great bands of the 90s” neither of those bands are what come to mind. Watch their performance here.

10:19 – Ha! Katy Perry just golf clapped that performance. She can’t even.

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10:25 – I don’t know if this is Miley backlash or what, but these VMAs are really boring.

10:26 – I should have guessed that Simon Cowell was someohow behind Fifth Harmony. They win Artist to watch. Yawn.

10:27 – With absolutely no transition, let’s honor Robin Williams (who had nothing to do with music).

10:32 – J Lo here to present Iggy Azalea, who she is hyping on her “Booty” remix. Watch her performance here.

10:33 – I guarantee someone will make a GIF of Taylor Swift getting down to Iggy.

10:33 – Literally 30 seconds later…..

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10:34 – This is a pretty low energy performance.

10:36 – J Lo’s face just then “Oh sh*t. I hitched my star to this wagon?”

10:41 – Jason Derulo and Demi Lovato pimping their own tours when they should be introducing Maroon 5.

10:41 – Poor Maroon 5 aren’t even allowed to perform inside. Watch their performance here.

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10:43 – This sounds terrible….and I normally like Maroon 5 just fine.

10:45 – Jimmy Fallon! But you host The Tonight Show you are better this. And f&* you for playing “Cotton Eyed Joe” during this segment.

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10:46 – I’m sorry Jimmy. I’m not really mad at you <3

10:47 – Miley wins. This might finally get exciting.

10:47 – Wait. What the hell? Who is this dude?

10:48 – This got serious real fast. But kudos to Miley for using this time for something important. But you know producers were PISSED that just happened. And it sounded like a bunch of the douchebags in the audience booed.

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More info on Miley’s effort to help end youth homelessness is here.

10:48 – For those of you keeping track at home – last year, she was a twerking furry. This year, an ambassador of charity. That Miley is unpredictable.

10:49 – Why are we abruptly jumping back to Maroon 5?

10:55 – Poor Sway – now they are cutting him off mid-promo. #FreeSway

10:56 – FINALLY!! Beyoncé takes the stage. Watch her entire performance here.

10:57 – I still think that it’s kind of messed up that Justin Timberlake won this vanguard award before Queen B. #nodisrespecttoJT

10:58 “MTV welcome to my world.” She’s right – it’s her world, we’re all just living in it.

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11:00 This tweet cracked me up:

 

11:01 – Beyoncé looks amazing, but she also looks like she’s wearing a stained glass window.

11:02 – That is a lot of glitter in potentially uncomfortable places. Eh – it looks cool.

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11:03 – I will never fail to be amused by Beyoncé singing about a “surfboard.”

11:03 – Jay Z is there, but more importantly – was that our first look at Blue Ivy’s face?? If that wasn’t supposed to happen, some cameraman is about to be taken down by the Illuminati.

11:07 – “Bow down bitches.” No truer words have been spoken.

11:08 – Hmm….they used the remix version of “Flawless” with the “billion dollars in an elevator” line. Interesting.

11:08 – THIS.

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11:09 – Blue Ivy is already a better dancer than I am.

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11:11 – Where’s my Kardashian reaction to this performance?

11:12 – Did the cameraman just read my mind?

11:12 – OMG – BLUE IVY SPEAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Good job Mommy.”

11:13 – “I have nothing to say. I am filled with so much gratitude. I just thank God for this moment. I love y’all so much. Blue blue, I love you. My beloved, I love you. My fans, I love you. MTV, I love you. Goodnight.” The Queen has spoken

11:15 – Carter family OUT. Fade to black. End scene.

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And there you have it…another VMAs in the books. Other than the epic-ness that is Beyonce, this show was kind of a snooze. I don’t know if they were overcompensating for the coo-coo bananas stuff that happened last year, but not much exciting happened. If for some reason you are interested, here’s the complete list of winners.