2013 MTV Video Music Awards

I usually don’t give the VMAs much thought; it’s not an award ceremony that really seems to mean anything and I am well outside the target demographic for the show. However, since the show is in Brooklyn this year and I almost got tickets to go, I opted to tune in and do one of my running diaries. My interest for the ceremony has been slightly piqued by the rumored N’SYNC reunion and the appearance of Jimmy Fallon, who will be presenting the Video Vanguard award to his pal Justin Timberlake. My biggest concern is that I’m not going to know who most of these people are and I’m going to feel old, but since I’m already prepared to go to bed and it’s not even 9 pm that ship has unfortunately sailed.

I’m not really sure the purpose of a video music award for a channel that doesn’t even show music videos anymore, but I’m guessing the less thought that goes into this whole experience, the better off it will be.

Pre-show

8:40 pm – I hate red carpets, but I figured I might as well pop in early to see what is happening. Pharell just rolled up on a bicycle with a whole gaggle of other riders who are doing tricks as the ride the red carpet. This is off to a promising start.

8:43 pm – Some lady I don’t know (Christina Garibaldi) is talking to some girl I don’t know (rapper Becky G, which doesn’t sound very street to me). Becky G is wearing a knit cap that says “Ain’t No Wifey.” I’m not sure what to make of that, since she looks to be about 16.

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8:50 – Yay! First Fallon appearance. It’s brief, but I’ll take it.

8:51 – I don’t know who this Austin Mahone is either, but he is also wearing a knit cap. This may be the only thing these kids associate with Brooklyn.

Awards Show

You can watch the Lady Gaga performance here.

9:00 pm – Lady Gaga does not need to have the camera so close to her face. It’s not flattering.

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9:02 – I hope they put a wig on her soon.

9:03 – Thank Goodness.

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9:04 – I’m not sure that this almost getting naked decision was necessary

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9:05 – I think I’m kind of over Gaga. That new song isn’t so great. Plus- is it just me or does she look kind of old? I dunno – something’s off here.

9:06 – No host tonight, so this will be interesting. Less annoying banter; could be a plus.

9:07 – One Direction – I had no idea what these guys actual looked like.

9:08 – Ugh – how many times are we going to cut to Taylor Swift all night

9:10 – I’ve heard every song for Best Pop Video; I feel very hip.

9:11 – Selena Gomez is sitting with Swift; I thought that they were feuding.

9:12 – Good to see that Taylor Swift is over her breakup with Harry Styles. Who knew she cursed? (I love this GIF because it makes her look nuts)

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9:13 – That was a very brief acceptance speech by Gomez. I approve.

9:15 – I love that they aren’t even bothering with actually giving out the awards; we come back from a commercial break to just a list of award winners. MTV gets it. (A complete list of winners can be found here, assuming you care)

(Side note – this Miley Cyrus performance really needs to be seen to fully appreciate the crazy. Watch it here

9:16 – Dear Lord – WHAT IS MILEY WEARING?????

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9:17 – This stage looks like a furry convention. If you don’t know who furries are, I’m not going to be the one to explain that to you. Ask your parents.

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9:18 – Miley really goes out of her way to make herself unattractive

9:18 – Miley sure does love her twerking.

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9:19 – HA! They shouldn’t cut to reaction shots of people that are bored out of their minds. Drake, you speak for us all.

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9:20 – What is it with everyone getting down to their underwear?

9:22 – Miley sticking her tongue out is distracting.

9:22 – The Will Smith family reaction to this insanity is even better

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9:23 – This show is really into props. Perhaps that is why there is no host – they were over budget.

9;24 – Someone take that foam finger away from Miley; she isn’t using it as intended and is embarrassing herself.

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9:25 – L’il Kim is still around?

9:26 – ANOTHER Taylor Swift reaction shot. If you drank every time she was on screen or they said the word Brooklyn, you’d already be passed out.

9:26 – I’m happy for Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. They seem like good people, though I doubt that suit came from a thrift shop.

9:34 – I will never get over how short Kevin Hart is.

9:36 – This is going on too long.

9:37 – Hey look – it’s Jordan Catalanoi (Jared Leto to you non-My-So-Called-Life fans). Why are these people cheering? Do kids know who he is?

9:38 – Kanye – this will be something.

9:40 – Huh – shadow dancing. Not a direction I thought Yeezus would take.

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9:48 – Sorry Daft Punk – still mad at you for cancelling on Colbert

9:49 – OF COURSE Taylor Swift won. Yawn. Where’s Kanye when you need him? Interrupt this s*it.

9:50 – UGH – she takes another shot at an ex, by thanking them for being the inspiration for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” If you look up “passive aggressive” in the dictionary, you’ll find her face. Though the cut to One Direction for a reaction was subtle, MTV.

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9:52 – Best video with a social message seems like kind of a loaded category, no? No surprise that Macklemore wins again, this time for “One Love.” I’m not sure who else could have won.

9:59 – Here’s Fallon, so Timberlake in on deck.

10:00 – President of Pop? Did I miss an election?

Watch JT’s impressive performance here.

10:01 – Stop trying to make “Take Back the Night” happen Justin. You have much better songs.

10:03 – The audio on this show isn’t great.

10:06 – This is all fine and I do like Justin, but let’s hurry up on the NSync reunion.

10:07 – Lady Gaga is wearing dark sunglasses inside. She looks like Ray Charles.

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10:10 – Yay – N’SYNC! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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10:10 – Lance Bass still can’t dance; consider that stereotype shattered.

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10:11 – That was VERY brief.  JC Chavez at least had a minor solo. He’s been waiting for that moment for nearly a decade. Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick just look happy to be out of the house.

10:15 – I was under the impression that there were a lot of people at this ceremony, so why must we keep going back to Swift?

10:16 – Gaga is still wearing her shell bra from her opening performance. That seems unnecessary.

10:18 – Even if the whole reunion took about a minute, that’s still a minute longer than I ever thought we’d get. I am still surprised that Justin threw them a bone.

10:20 – Ah – those are Justin’s parents. I was wondering why they kept checking in on some old folks.

10:25 – Wait – this show is still going? I figured it was over after Justin.

10:26 – More Kevin Hart? For a guy that isn’t hosting, we’re seeing a lot of him. He should call his agent, because he’s getting ripped off.

10:27 – Hart is recycling his material from the last appearance.

10:28 – I don’t want to be around when Kanye realizes that he opened up for N’Sync.

10:29 – Song of the summer –got to be “Blurred Lines” right?

10:30 – Seriously – The One Direction song that I’ve never heard before won. That says everything you need to know about who is watching this show. (Twitter reports that there were a lot of boos at the Barclay’s Center)

10:32 – When Jason Collins said his  grandmother worried that he was going to experience prejudice before he came out, for a second I thought he meant on stage.

10:33 – From that heart thought moment to A$AP Rocky pimping his record release.

10:33 – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis take the stage to perform “One Love.”

10:34 – Kind of stinks that Mary Lambert gets to perform at the VMAs and they bring out Jennifer Hudson. Ain’t no one gonna compete with that.

10:35 – Taylor Swift looked markedly less impressed by that performance by Macklemore and company, which I am choosing to interpret as Taylor Swift does not support gay people.

10:36 – Is this a Kia commercial with the hamsters or is this another Miley Cyrus performance? Hard to tell.

10:43 – I almost knocked my laptop off my lap while trying to grab a chip. This is the most excitement that I’ve had since N’Sync was on stage.

10:43 – Wait –was that Adam Lambert? I don’t know that I recognize him without gobs of eyeliner.

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10:44 – Austin Mahone calls his fans “Mahomies.” That is embarrassing.

If you are curious about this kid, here’s one of his videos

10:45 – The surviving members of TLC. I’m really confused as to who is booking these guests – there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. When’s the last time anyone cared about TLC (and I say this as a fan)?

10:46 – I’m undecided about Drake. On the one hand, he’s all about fighting with Chris Brown, which I applaud. On the other, he is also in to dating Rihanna, who is a hot mess. Music doesn’t help me make a decision.

10:47 – Cut to Rihanna. Man, she looks high

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10:48 – The VMA seem to have suddenly remembered that people of color are in the audience.

10:54 – Ah! VH1 is doing The TLC Story this fall. This suddenly makes sense.

10:55 – It’s disappointing that One Direction isn’t up for this award that Swift is giving out for best male artist (or something). That could be awesomely awkward.

10:56 – Bruno Mars? That’s a surprise, but I’m cool with it. But that dude is TINY. He and Kevin Hart should have a short off.

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10:57 – Swift probably is already composing a song about how Bruno Mars didn’t thank her enough for handing him his award.

11:01 – I don’t know if this can be considered a legitimate music award show if neither Jay Z or Beyoncé are in attendance. Aren’t they like the first couple of Brooklyn?

11:05 – I like Bruno Mars, but he’s taking this whole “Gorilla” thing a little too literally. I know it’s the name of the song, but projecting a giant gorilla on the screen is kind of freaking me out.

11:09 – Hold the phone MTV – there is absolutely no way that “Roar” is “Katy Perry’s biggest hit ever.” That’s kooky talk.

You can watch the Katy Perry performance here.

11:16 – Should we be asking where Mrs. Timberlake (aka Jessica Biel) is tonight?

11:18 – I’m excited to see Katy Perry, mostly because this means the show is almost over.

11:19 – This whole boxing motif makes sense, but is a weird choice for Perry. Let’s hope this sports bra holds out. She’s jumping around a lot and it doesn’t look all that supportive.

11:21 – I don’t know that jump roping is ever exciting.

11:22 – For the grand finale, that was pretty underwhelming.

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In the end, that was a colossal waste of my time. The whole thing was just awful and ridiculous; I was especially bummed by the brevity of the N’Sync reunion since that was the main reason I was watching this thing to begin with. I would have been more impressed with Timberlake’s set overall had I not just seen him live so recently (plus the MTV sound quality was pretty terrible). All in all, I am SUPER glad that I didn’t get tickets to the VMAs. I would have walked away from the experience very disappointed and very confused about what I had just witnessed. Perhaps I’ll check in on the VMAs in another decade. Brooklyn – you deserved better.

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