Well, the Oscars have come and gone and I have to say, I was a little underwhelmed with last night’s telecast. I don’t know if it was because I was so certain of many of the winners or that Ellen DeGeneres just wasn’t that funny. I giggled a few times during the ceremony, but there were also a lot of awkward moments where things just didn’t see very polished or well thought out. For a bunch of people who get paid to read lines for a living, there sure were a lot of teleprompter errors. And while there were some momentary moments of joy and happiness, for the most part no one seemed all that happy to be there. Enthusiasm was definitely a rare commodity. Maybe it was the weather; the people of Los Angeles are not used to that much rain.
I’m not sure which of these factors mattered most, but all in all I was pretty bored by the Oscars. Thank goodness I had my pal Kristin and a plate full of poutine to keep my energy up. As always, I jotted down my thoughts as I was watching the ceremony:
8:30 pm – Thank goodness. We can finally turn the channel from Giuliana Rancic and the E! red carpet coverage. I know people love her, but I can’t stand that woman. The only excitement was when Jennifer Lawrence fell getting out of her car:
JLaw should be carried around like Justin Bieber.
Also of note from the red carpet – Benedict Cumberbatch can photobomb like a boss:
Watch Ellen’s monologue here.
8:31 pm –Ellen makes her first (and hopefully last) joke about the weather. Sorry peeps – the rest of the country has been buried under snow all winter; we are not sympathetic to a little bit of rain.
8:33 – Liza Minnelli did not seem amused to be compared to a male Liza impersonator. I dug the blue hair, though.
8:34 – Step away from the bronzer and hair dye, John Travolta.
8:35 – If I ever decide to try my hand at stand-up, I want Julia Roberts in the audience. She laughs enthusiastically at anything.
8:39 – You probably should be able to use your context clues, but if you haven’t seen The Wolf of Wall Street and were confused about Ellen’s joke involving Jonah Hill – he shows his (fake) penis in the movie. (“Jonah Hill is here tonight. He is nominated for Wolf of Wall Street. You showed us something in that film that I have not seen in a very, very long time.”)
8:40 – “And now…our first white presenter.”
8:41 – Best Supporting Actor kicks things off. Lots of talented people in this category.
8:42 – Not a surprise – Jared Leto and his beautiful hair win for Dallas Buyers Club.
8:44 – Sweet shout out to his mom. That was a pretty perfect speech. Well done, Jordan Catalano!
8:45 – I have no idea who came up with this Leto/Buddy Christ side by side, but God bless them.
8:46 – Interesting blue jacket on Jim Carrey
8:48 – “That magic I’m referring to is LSD.” That actually made me laugh, for possibly the first time all night.
8:49 – A montage? Already? We’re barely 20 minutes into this thing.
8:50 – Kerry Washington looks absolutely gorgeous. She’s got kind of a Grecian vibe going on.
8:51 – Pharrell is officially trolling us with this hat. But I’m excited to see him perform “Happy.”
8:52 – Lupita Nyong’o, Meryl Streep, and Amy Adams are getting down.
8:53 – I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen the audience get up and dance during the Oscars before. Well done, Pharrell.
8:54 – Where do I get a pair of the sneakers that Pharrell is wearing?
8:57 – Best costuming goes to The Great Gatsby. The winner apparently came in costume.
9:00 – Sadly, Bad Grandpa’s Oscar dreams have been dashed.
9:03 – Harrison Ford is out now to introduce three of the Best Picture nominees. He sounds very bored with the whole thing.
9:05 – I’m not sure what’s happening right now – I’ve been distracted by the dreamy Channing Tatum.
9:10 – We’ve now entered the portion of the evening where we trot out an older celebrity so that they can act like a whack job. This year’s “winner” is Kim Novak, who clearly has had a lot of work done.
9:11 – I think they do this to scare the celebrities as to what their future holds; sadly, even celebrities eventually age.
9:14 – Frozen wins for best animated feature. Novak thinks that this is American Idol and drags out the announcement of the winner.
9:17 – Another montage.
9:21 – Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are adorable. Can we get them to start dating?
9:22 – Gravity wins its first of what I predict will be many Oscars.
9:23 – Now Zac Efron is here to present. We have apparently entered the “youth” portion of the evening.
9:24 – Efron is proving right now that it’s hard to be pretty and talk at the same time.
9:25 – Karen O to perform “The Moon Song” from Her, which I loved. Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend accompanies her. Hipsters everywhere rejoice.
9:26 – Without the context of the movie, I’m not sure this song works as well.
9:27 – I do appreciate that she took off her shoes, though I hope that she doesn’t forget them on the stage.
9:33 – Worth noting -Jason Sudeikis cleans up nice.
9:34 – Kate Hudson should still be in time out for derailing Matthew McConaughey’s career for nearly a decade with her silly romantic comedies.
9:36 – Enough with the crowd work, Ellen.
9:38 – I’m looking very smart now that 20 Feet From Stardom won Best Documentary Feature.
9:39 – Darlene Love is making a solid case for background singers everywhere:
9:40 – Ha! Kevin Spacey comes out to present in character from House of Cards.
9:42 – Weird that Angelina Jolie is in attendance and they aren’t showing her when she won an honorary Oscar.
9:49 – The Great Beauty wins for Best Foreign Language film; guess I know what’s going to the top of my Netflix queue.
9:50 – I am so incredibly bored and we’re only a little over an hour in.
9:51 – Tyler Perry? Really? He gets to present?
9:52 – I’m pretty sure that Perry just completely skipped over the introduction of Her. Either that or I lapsed into a coma and missed it.
9:54 – That was not nearly enough Brad Pitt. Can we just have him stand on stage for the rest of this?
9:56 – U2 performs “Ordinary Love”
10:00 – Have we really resorted to selfies to liven this show up? Because nothing is more fun that watching people take photos of themselves.
10:03 – OK, I’m game – I’ll retweet this celeb filled photo:
Reports are that Liza Minnelli tried to sneak her way into this photo. A-List only, Liza (unless you are Lupita’s adorable brother, who totally crashed the party)!
10:04 – I do love me some Michael B. Jordan. Texas Forever!
10:06 – I’m just not sure how I feel about this colored jacket trend among the men. Even Chris Hemsworth is in on the action:
10:07 – Another one for Gravity – Best Sound Mixing.
10:08 – I’m now arguing with Kristin’s hubby that my rejection of the tinted tux jacket is not at all a rejection of Chris Hemsworth. He can wear a paper sack and I’d still be thrilled.
10:11 – Chritoph Waltz is here to announce Best Supporting Actress. He needs to be in another movie stat.
10:12 – I think the camera man is drunk; that shot was all sorts of messed up.
10:14 – Hooray! Lupita Nyong’o for the win. Well deserved!
10:19 – The consensus among our group is that the new ABC show Resurrection (which they are endlessly promoting) looks creepy as hell.
10:23 – OK – I’ll concede that the pizza delivery bit was pretty funny. I enjoy Brad Pitt running around handing out plates and napkins; he’s a stand-up dude. But seriously people – make sure the pregnant woman gets some pizza.
Side note: Turns out that was a REAL pizza delivery guy.
Further side note: Brad Pitt was totally digging that pizza:
I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of carbs in the Pitt/Jolie household.
10:26 – We all agree that it would be fun to hang out with Bill Murray.
10:27 – Harold Ramis shout-out gets big cheer. R.I.P., Harold.
10:28 – Yet another win for Gravity. My picks are looking pretty darn good.
10:30 – Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe here to introduce Best Editing, though I’m hoping this turns into an episode of American Horror Story: Coven.
10:31 – Whoopi seems to be wearing some cool red shoes under her dress.
10:32 – Ah – they are part of a Wizard of Oz tie-in. The Oscars were ahead of me.
10:34 – Pink? Was Beyoncé busy? No disrespect to Pink, but she wouldn’t have been the first person I thought of for this.
10:38 – Pink did a nice job, but why exactly are we doing a tribute to The Wizard of Oz? This show is moving slowly enough without filler.
10:42 – Well, they finally got Ellen to wear a dress.
10:43 – Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch are having a competition for sharpest cheekbones. I think I give the edge to Cumberbatch.
10:46 – Another freakin montage.
10:47 – It’s clear that we are using a very liberal definition of “hero” for this montage. Kevin Bacon in Footloose doesn’t strike me as all that heroic.
10:53 – Glenn Close is here to introduce the “Bring Out Your Dead” segment, which is fitting since she looks like she is dressed to go to a funeral.
10:54 – Interesting. They kicked things off with James Gandolfini.
10:55 – I’m glad that they muted the audio and gave all the people featured in the In Memorium segment the same amount of screen time. I hate when this turns into a popularity contest.
10:55 – Philip Seymour Hoffman gets the power position at the end of the segment.
10:56 – Why have Bette Midler sing now? This is more wasted time – and a song from the 80s. Get current, Oscars.
11:02 – If you are wondering about the weird add-on memorial for Sarah Jones as they were going to commercial, she was a camera assistant who was killed on the set of Midnight Ride on February 20th. There was an online campaign for her to be included in the full Memorial segment.
11:08 – Well, Travolta just butchered the hell out of Idina Menzel’s name. Dude – you had ONE JOB tonight. Learn her name.
11:09 – Menzel sings “Let It Go.”
11:17 – We’ve just seen someone hit for the cycle and complete the elusive quest for the EGOT.
11:20 – Dear Lord – there are still six more awards to go. Shoot me now.
11:24 – When Robert DeNiro gets one of the biggest laughs of the night, you know an Oscar telecast isn’t doing well.
11:26 – 12 Years a Slave for Best Adapted Screenplay. Got that one wrong.
11:27 – Yay! Spike Jonze wins Best Original Screenplay for Her.
11:28 – Jonze’s speech was confusing – I thought he was thinking DeNiro and Penelope Cruz, which made zero sense.
11:29 – A skateboarding joke? C’mon Ellen – you are better than this.
11:34 – Sidney Poitier looks old for the first time. He always seemed so timeless to me, but he’s certainly moving slowly.
11:40 – A “Sweating to the Oldies” reference? Who in the hell is writing these jokes?
11:44 – As was preordained, Cate Blanchett fulfills her Oscar destiny.
11:46 – Blanchett throwing a little Girl Power into her speech. Good for her!
11:49 – Jennifer Lawrence manages to walk out on stage without incident.
11:50 – Alright, Alright Alright! Matthew McConaughey is an Oscar winner!
11:51 – Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. I guess he’ll just have to be content with banging supermodels for the rest of his life. Poor guy.
11:52 – I am trying to decipher his speech for clues related to True Detective. Tell us who The Yellow King is already!
11:55 – Here’s Razzie award winner Will Smith to announce Best Picture and bring this bloated ceremony to an end.
11:56 – Ellen’s monologue was right – Hollywood isn’t racist. 12 Years a Slave wins!
11:57 – Steve McQueen is so happy. Good for them.
11:58 – Um…you may not want to start playing a guy off once he starts talking about slavery. Just an idea.
12:00 – Hooray! It’s over. Now I can go to bed. So sad that my beloved American Hustle got a big old goose egg.
What did you think of the Oscars? Were you as bored as I was? Sound off in the comments below.