One of my guilty pleasures is watching Lifetime movies; it is one of the many questionable habits that I picked up while I was in college. More often than not, Sundays in my sorority house we’d all hang out in the living room watching Lifetime movies all day and nursing out hangovers with Woody’s subs. It was a nice, mindless way to spend an afternoon and the unintentional comedy of these movies was off the charts. We kept the practice up after we left college as well; I can think of plenty of times that the day after a party we would indulge in an all-day Lifetime movie marathon. We even dragged the boyfriends and guy friends into the ritual as well. The absolute best was when the description of the cable box did not match the actual movie that was showing; the only way to make a Lifetime movie even more unintentionally bad is when you think it is a completely different movie. We waited forever for a killer to show up in a movie that actually didn’t have a killer. Good times.
I don’t watch Lifetime movies as much as we did back in the day – because who has that kind of free time anymore? – but I’m still guilty of occasionally watching them on a slow night. My taste in Lifetime movies has become more discerning over time; I am now only primarily interested in their fictionalized depictions of true crime, celebrity stories and Flowers in the Attic adaptations. Though I still stand by my assertion that She Woke Up Pregnant and Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? are among the best/worst that Lifetime movies have to offer, my interest in the generic “woman in peril” movies that they typical churn out has significantly waned over time. But give me Rob Lowe as murderer Drew Peterson or Robe Lowe as murderee Ben Novak and I’m happy (though Robe Lowe needs a new agent). I am not positive why I enjoy these movies so much. Maybe I feel like I’m kind of sort of learning something when the movies are based on true stories or actual events. Mostly I think I just like things that are so bad that they are amusing; watching a Lifetime movie live with Twitter is a very satisfying experience.
While these movies occasionally land some big names – Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor was a special kind of awful – more often than not they rely on relatively unknown actors to portray people that the viewer is pretty familiar with. They do this with varying degrees of success; the cast of the Whitney Houston movie were actually fairly close to the famous people they were playing, but that’s generally the exception to the rule. The cast of the Saved By The Bell movie were particularly dreadful when considering their resemblance to the actual cast of Saved By The Bell and I thought that was the low water mark by which all future Lifetime movies would be judged.
Until yesterday, when they revealed the cast photo for the unauthorized Full House movie:
Yowza. I barely know where to begin. That’s just all kinds of awful. It’s like they aren’t even trying. I know that there aren’t a ton of guys out there that look like John Stamos – which is too bad for all of us, really – but there is just something really off about that entire picture. It has that “uncanny valley” feel to it, like this is the copy of a copy of a copy. I am actually delighted, since this means the likelihood of this movie being an absolute trainwreck has significantly increased; if this is the effort that they are putting into casting and hair and make-up, I can’t wait to see how bad the writing is. I think Dave Coulier has the right attitude about this:
I’m definitely watching the hell out of this movie when it airs. If I could already set my DVR for it I would have.
The unauthorized Full House movie will air on Lifetime Saturday August 22nd.