American Horror Story: Freak Show

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It’s become an annual tradition – my running diary of my thoughts during the first episode of the new season of American Horror Story. I did it for Asylum and I did it for Coven, so I figured that I might as well do it for Freak Show. I feel like they have been hyping this season forever, with the barrage of teaser trailers and photos from the set. I’ll be interested to see if it can live up to the hype machine that is has created. Reportedly this will be the last season that Jessica Lange will be part of the cast, so I’m sure that they will try to send her off with some insanity. Bat shi*t crazy is this show’s bread and butter.

This season poses a particular challenge for me since one of the characters is a killer clown. I hate clowns and have hated clowns for as long as I can remember. I’d love to tell you that there is some sort of incident behind this intense dislike, but the closest I can come was a run-in with a jerky guy dressed up as Raggedy Andy when I was young. Other than that, I can’t really put my finger on where this deep seeded animosity springs from; I just know in my heart of hearts that clowns are up to no good whatsoever. Perhaps I distrust anyone that is that happy. I’ve had this postcard up on my bulletin board for as long as I can remember:

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Really, clowns are one of the few things that freak me out in the slightest; I can watch all sorts of scary stuff and barely blink an eye, but introduce a clown to the occasion and I’m going to get a little nervous. Stephen King’s It was pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen to me. So my enjoyment of Freak Show is probably going to live and die with Twisty the Clown. The name already makes me uneasy.

Let the games begin…………SPOILERS ABOUND.

American Horror Story: Freak Show

9:59 – Wait…the premiere is 92 minutes? Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.

10:00 – Here we go.

10:01 – Of COURSE this takes place in Florida.

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10:03 – This milkman is really going above and beyond; even after he finds the dead body he keeps searching the house.

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10:04 – Jessica Lange rocking a German accent. This season already have much promise.

10:05 “It’s fine. It’s Lucky Strike. It’s good for you” Don Draper has done his job.

 

10:06 – Hey…that Candy Striper is Meryl Streep’s daughter. I’d love to see what Streep would do on this show. Make it happen, Ryan Murphy.

10:07 – They are really using some crazy camera angles this season. I dig it.

10:10 – I stand by my earlier statement that there are way too many clowns in the opening credits. WAY.TOO.MANY.

 

10:15 – Split screen to show the different perspectives of the conjoined twins – cool idea.

10:16 – We’re already discussing conjoined twin sex. We’re cutting right to the chase.

10:18 – I don’t recognize either of these actors, which means they are not long for this world.

10:18 – Right on cue – killer clown alert.

10:19 – Is this clown going to juggle? You should never trust a juggler. (Full disclosure – my brother can juggle)

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10:20 – Nope – just knock them unconscious with the pins and then excessive stabbing.

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10:21 – Not for nothing, that clown can haul some ass. And that image will certainly haunt my dreams

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10:22 – Ha! That look Jessica Lange just shot that waitress is the same look I give people who say that they don’t get to the movies much.

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10:23 – Evan Peters is apparently playing Marlon Brando this season:

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10:24 – Those sunglasses are everything.

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10:25 – Fisheye lens!

10:25 – I’m going to have to try this and see if it works:

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10:26 – I think I’ve watched too much AHS; we’re nearly 30 minutes in and I think this is pretty tame (despite the killer clown).

10:33 – So Evan Peters has a sideline as a gigilo of sorts. Is this what women used to do in the 50s – get together for deviled eggs and to be sexually pleasured by a guy they found in the tent of a freak show?

10:36 – I stand corrected…THIS will haunt my dreams.

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10:38 – Girl: “Don’t worry – your parents are never going to stop looking for you.”

Boy: “I think he killed my parents.”

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10:39 – I’ll give this much to the psycho clown; he at least tries to entertain people before he gets all stabby stabby. That’s showmanship.

10:40 – Though honestly, I’d rather be killed than watch someone make balloon animals.

10:44 – Foreshadowing – when a character says “The future had never seemed brighter” and the next shot is this:

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10:45 – Freak Shows have merry-go-rounds?

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10:49 – Man, Dot is the Debbie Downer of the twins.

10:50 – I love that the Dot has seen all manner of freaks, but seems most upset about the bearded lady (Kathy Bates). “You heard me right diary – a lady with a beard.” *gasp* Never mind the dude that just ripped the head off a live chicken with his teeth. That sh*t’s totally normal.

10:51 – It’s Pepper!

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10:57 – I’m surprised that FX let that Freak orgy on TV.

11:01 – “No flipper action” is a hilarious euphemism.

11:03 – So…..Evan Peters clearly has anger issues. Even the clown took longer to slice some people up.

11:08 – This guy is the Justin Bieber of the show – spoiled rotten.

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11:09 – Plethora! That’s my word!

11:10. Edification. Harrow. The bearded lady is well read. I bet she’s great at scrabble.

11:11 – That is a lot of blue eye shadow. Like, a lot a lot.

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11:11 – If you are wondering why your Freak Show is going bankrupt, it’s because the whole budget appears to have been blown on glitter.

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11:12 – This may be the greatest cover of David Bowie ever (though that song wasn’t released until 1971. Semantics).

11:12 – People obviously agree with me:

 

11:13 – Hold up. There are TWO Peppers?

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11:14 – Evan Peters winking will never get old.

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11:21 – Well, Evan Peters is clearly the rabble-rouser of the freaks.

11:22 – Um. You guys. Stabbing people is kind of the clown’s thing. He’s not going to be happy.

11:24 – There’s some honest insight and emotion going on. This is not at all like American Horror Story.

11:25 – Well look at that – she’s a freak too (well-by 1950s standards).

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11:26 – Eh. That was, dare I say it, kind of boring. Maybe boring isn’t the right word, but previous seasons have gotten much crazier much sooner. Ironic that the season about “freaks” is the most human so far. Except for that clown. F*ck that guy. He’s going to be a problem for me.

American Horror Story: Freak Show airs Wednesdays a 10 pm (ET) on FX.

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Pop Culture Odds and Ends – Bated Breath Edition

I’m on pins and needles this week as the Major League Baseball regular season comes to a chaotic end. The introduction of an additional wild card slot has thrown everything into a tizzy. The Yankees are definitely in the playoffs, but are still playing for postseason position. I scored tickets to the first Yankee home game of the American League Division Series, but I still don’t know when the game will be (or if the Yankees will get that far) which means I have to keep the next week open to suddenly jet off to the Bronx. I know, I know – these are first world problems. Thankfully I have an awesome boss who’s OK with me skipping work if necessary.  But for someone who is a planner and a little type A, I’m ready for this to be all sorted out.

So while I root against the Orioles, here’s your biweekly round up of pop culture nuggets:

  • So we have our Oscar host and it’s kind of a surprise – Family Guy and Ted’s Seth MacFarlane. I’d better get over my freaking out about Brian the dog’s voice coming out of a human by then.
  • I went to see Paul Thomas Anderson’s new film The Master on Monday night and I’m still not sure what I think about it. The performances were great, but I’m working through the story and what it all means. That movie may be smarter than I am. I’m more a Boogie Nights kind of girl.
  • Some info has been released on the new S.H.I.E.L.D. pilot from Joss Whedon.
  • *Shameless plug* My friend (and pretend cousin) Chris is building and trying to raise funding to develop an app called plygrnd.es for iOS/Android that helps you discover nearby playgrounds and add new ones to share with your friends. You can check it out here.
  • In honor of my newfound love of Once Upon a Time, here’s some Hipster Disney Princesses

 

  • This doesn’t make me happy; Fargo is going to be a TV show. At least the Coen brothers are involved. That gives me some small solace.
  • Taylor Swift really seems to be more trouble than she is worth.
  • Aw man. If you thought I was addicted to the penguin cam, I’m in big trouble with this. Pumpkin (my cat) is not a fan.
  • True confession: I have had “Gangnam Style” stuck in my head all week, thanks to the Dancing With the Stars promos running on ABC that use the song.
  • Big week for Boardwalk EmpireSesame Street did a parody of it. Feast your eyes on “Birdwalk Empire”

 

  • Meryl Streep is in talks to join the upcoming film adaptation of the Broadway play Into the Woods. I love this play, so I’m anxious to see the movie.
  • Patton Oswalt will be appearing on Justified season 4. I like Oswalt a lot; he’s a great comedian and actor. If you haven’t seen him in Big Fan, it’s definitely worth a look.
  • Neil Patrick Harris is writing a memoir. I expect it will be legend…wait for it
  • Someone spliced together every on-air drink on Mad Men. Bottoms up!

 

  • If you are a fan of the TV show Louie, you may get a kick out of the parody twitter account @FakeLouieEps. It’s just what it sounds like – pitches for future (fake) episodes of the show. Hilarious. I should get into the parody twitter account business.
  • Also hilarious – this mash up of Breaking Bad and Calvin and Hobbes (Breaking Calvin).
  • This clown collection is legitimately my worst nightmare. You know who liked clowns? John Wayne Gacy. Thanks to all you hilarious people who sent me this video. You are real comedians.

 

  •  I loved the trailer for the new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Glad to see Haley Joel Osment is still around.

 

  • Speaking of replacements – Mike Love apparently kicked a bunch a people out of The Beach Boys. They found out from a press release.
  • ….ary! Definitely legendary.
  • Poor Justin Bieber. Throwing up on stage is no way to kick off a tour (video is available if you need it)
  • And finally, in advance of my review of Taken 2 on Friday, here’s Liam Neeson: The Musical!