2015 VMA Running Diary

mtv-vmas-preview

Pre-show

It’s that time of year again, when I discover just how freaking old I am by doing a running diary of my experience of watching the MTV Video Music Awards.

8:00 – Well this was at least tuning in for – Walk the Moon performing “Shut Up and Dance.”

8:02 – Hold up – why are we cutting away from the band to meet the interview team? That’s not what I signed up for.

8:03 – That Jeremy Scott character is hella creepy.

Scott

8:04 – For a while there, I didn’t think that Demi Lovato could say anything other than “Thank you.”

8:06 – Hot take: Walk the Moon’s new song is not as good as “Shut Up and Dance,” at least based on the ten seconds that they let us hear.

8:10 – Ugh. Christy Tiegan. Not a fan. John Legend could do better. But she does look great.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards Arrivals

8:11 – Well, I made it 11 minutes into this pre-show before I didn’t know who people were. That’s not bad. Sorry cast of Awkward, Faking It and Girl Code Live – you have not registered on my pop culture radar.

8:13 – Who is this weird bearded guy that Kelly Osborne just introduced as her fashion correspondent:

8:14 – A puppy pen? I can get behind this.

8:19 – “I’m here to talk to you about an extremely popular video that people are extremely anticipating to be shown in this show. Something that’s never been shown before.” – I don’t think Sway (or his writers) know what all those words mean.

8:20 – The Moonman is the most iconic award? Slow down Jeremey Scott.

8:22 – Poor Best Rock Video. It doesn’t even get awarded on the regular show.

8:23 – Fall Out Boy is rock? Ok then.

8:24 – Oy. These idiots from Girl Code don’t know what “vanguard” means.

8:27 – Nick Jonas may be the smartest person in this room. That’s a pretty low standard.

8:30 – Poor Miley Cyrus. I think all this acting out is just to make up for her having perhaps the worst speaking voice of all time.

8:32 – I refuse to acknowledge anyone who has YouTube sensation on their resume as an actual celebrity.

8:39 – Man, they don’t even try to hide their corporate schilling.

8:40 – Best pop video also gets awarded on the red carpet. Taylor Swift does not accept in person.

8:41 – Another award on the red carpet – 5 Seconds of Summer wins song of the summer. I disagree.

8:45 – Nick Jonas presented by State Farm. I wish I was making this up.

8:38 – Um, don’t look behind you Nick Jonas, but you are being followed by a lot of sexy astronauts.

jonas

8:50 – I’m impressed that Taylor Swift got Mariska Hargitay to show up for this foolishness. She has got to be the oldest person on this red carpet other than Sway.

8:55 – Taylor’s new video; you had me at Scott Eastwood.

 

8:56 – I think I like Taylor better with dark hair.

Award ceremony……

9:00 – Kicking it off with Nicki Minaj. Smart move

9:02 – I’m impressed she can move with that giant headdress.

nicki

9:03 – Kayne likes her performance; he even smiled.

9:04 – Whoa – Taylor Swift performing with Nicki? I did not see that coming.

GIF-1-Nicki-Taylor-1440992955

9:05 – Not for nothing, but their lip syncing is pretty inconsistent.

9:06 – Um…that does not look like Downtown L.A.

9:07 – Is Macklemore singing about a freaking moped? Is this a parody?

9:07 – This reminds me of West Side Story – not in a good way.

9:08 – Who is this Freddie Mercury looking like guy? (It’s apparently Eric Nally and I wasn’t the only one who made the comparison)

9:08 – This visual of Macklemore on a guy’s shoulders is hilarious.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show

9:08 – I’m pretty positive he just worked “tiramisu” into his rap.

9:09 – Haha – Macklemore has a raccoon tail on his jacket.

9:09 – Kanye is unimpressed with all of this.

kanye-west-vmas-2015-5

9:11 – Our first glimpse of host Miley Cyrus. She’s fully dressed, so that’s a surprise.

720x405-GettyImages-485988524

9:12 – I do like her googly eye rings. Where does one find those?

9:12 – WHAT DID JUSTIN BIEBER DO TO HIS HAIR?

CNssVssXAAELGVC

enhanced-buzz-14994-1334593126-12

9:13 – “I took the year off to focus on my true love – Instagram.” That’s really funny

9:14 – Andy Samberg makes everything better.

9:16 – I can’t believe that they got Rita Ora in a pool of spaghetti.

https://instagram.com/p/7B4wlVwzAr/

 

9:17 – Britney is in the house! She looks fab. And she can kind of read.

2BD2A7F100000578-0-image-a-1_1440984396493

9:18 – So we’re still pretending that Mark Ronson has anything to do with this song’s success? Just checking.

9:18 – Well considering that they didn’t even let Mark Ronson talk, I’m guessing that jig is up.

9:24 – Miley is back with a lot less clothing.

9:25 – Jared Leto looks a little like Corey Felman in this outfit.

9:25 – Yay! I really dig The Weeknd.

giphy

9:28 – I’m surprised it took this long to show Taylor Swift dancing.

tumblr_ntxb76fNYU1un0tpjo1_1280

9:28 – Kanye is also busting a move:

9:29 – Rebel Wilson in a cop uniform.

AP 2015 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS - SHOW A ENT USA CA

9:31 – It sounds like they are piping in laughter for this bit. This is completely tone deaf.

9:32 – Can Nicki not walk in that dress? That seems like a bad choice.

9:32 – I’ve got a feeling Nicki’s pastor wants nothing to do with any of this.

9:33 – Nicki Minaj – calling Miley Cyrus OUT! #shotsfired.

anigif_enhanced-17311-1440986714-8anigif_original-8753-1440985511-9

9:34 – Miley takes her own shot – “It’s no big deal. It’s just an award. I persevered.” (unless this is all a bit – that’s possible too). Is it impressive to throw shade while wearing this outfit.

720x405-GettyImages-485989270

9:40 – Rapper sleepovers!

9:41 – “Meek Mill has been through enough.”

9:41 – So the LAPD killed Biggie? Mystery solved!

9:42 – This may be the weirdest outfit so far.

720x405-GettyImages-485996222

9:43 – So obviously we have to be pulling for Nicki to win just so she can get on the microphone again.

9:44 – Dang. Swifty. Maybe someone will rush the stage.

9:45 – Haha…go for it Kanye!

giphy

9:46 – Maybe the director will start some drama.

9:52 – Miley may be setting a record for most costume changes.

9:52 – Are we still saying “turnt?”

9:53 – This is an interesting wardrobe choice for Demi Lovoto

demi

9:54 – I sincerely hope that the censor tonight is getting hazard pay.

9:55 – Iggy Azalea is the special guest? I was hoping she’d aim higher.

9:57 – The confetti budget for this show is off the charts.

9:58 – Strategically, wouldn’t it have been smarter to release a song called “Cool for the summer” earlier in the year?

10:02 – Justin Bieber continues his rehabilitation tour with a performance at the VMAs.

10:03 – I’ll give him this – his synchronized dance move game is still pretty strong.

10:06 – I wonder if he’s wearing the hat because even he realizes his hair looks stupid.

10:07 – Is this from Bieber’s spoken word album?

10:08 – Bieber busted out a little Peter Pan action.

10:09 – Is he crying? Did they pull that harness too tight?

bieber

10:09 – I actually liked this ridiculous coat.

miley12.jpg.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge

10:11 – More Kanye smiling!

10:11 – Big Sean’s grandmother sounds like a pretty kick ass lady.

10:20 – Miley channels Rainbow Brite.

720x405-GettyImages-486009752-(1)

10:21 – Did Miley just call Snoop Dogg “her real mammy?”

10:21 – I do not believe that Miley cares a hoot about Kim Kardashian.

10:22 – Not only have I never heard of Tori Kelly, I’ve never heard this song either.

10:26 – She did a nice job, though.

GIF-TORI-Kelly-1440994083

10:31 – What I’ve been waiting for – Kanye West’s Vanguard Award (Read his whole speech here)

10:32 – Look, I love Kanye, but they may be overstating the importance of this award a little bit. He didn’t cure cancer.

10:34 – Haha…..Taylor Swift is giving Kanye his award.

10:35 – “I’m really happy for you… And Imma let you finish, but Kanye West has had one of the greatest careers of all time.”

10:36 – They even hugged! Beefs are being squashed all over the place.

GIF-Kanye-Taylor-1440993015

10:37 – Mackemore looks unimpressed.

10:38 – Honestly, the most Kanye thing he could do right now is say nothing and walk off the stage.

10:39 – Kanye goes to the grocery story? I’m calling b.s. on that.

10:40 – Kanye is asking a lot of questions and he’s not giving a lot of answers.

10:40 – I really hope he wraps this up by saying that he totally would have interrupted Taylor all over again.

10:41 – Is this Kanye’s apology for making Taylor Swift a thing? I hate to tell him that we’re all pretty much over that.

10:42 – Umm…Kanye. You ain’t dead. You didn’t die for anything.

10:44 – “Listen to the kids, brah.” I have no idea who the kids are and who brah is, but this is classic Kanye.

10:46 – Kanye West is the Donald Trump of award shows.

10:46 – If this is Kanye with the edge off, I don’t think that marijuana worked.

10:47 – Kanye – we are the same age. We aren’t millennials.

qvgbp0vyqjtyxmexdjalkp5tqsvkasy7n7dgwqkqnzuv6gvs28iiif5nukmq257o.gif

10:48 – Wait?!?! Is Kanye really running for President in 2020????? PLEASE LET THIS BE SO!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3213276/Kanye-West-announces-s-running-president-2020-admitting-d-smoked-joint-epic-acceptance-speech-MTV-VMAs.html

10:56 – Good luck to Pharell performing after that craziness.

10:56 – Again with people “putting them in a box.” Is this a real problem in the music industry? Are people actually in boxes?

10:58 – Pharell looks like Elvis in Jailhouse Rock.

GIF-Pharrell-1440993550

10:59 – What is on the back of Pharell’s pants? Is that an Adidas symbol?

11:07 – What else does Fetty Wap have going on that he’s not at the VMAs.

11:08 – Twenty One Pilots and A$AP Rocky. This will should be interesting.

11:11 – I wouldn’t have necessarily though about putting those two acts together, but that mostly worked as well as anything else on this show (which isn’t saying much).

11:15 – Old person gripe: this show was supposed to be over by now. I want to go to bed.

11:18 – No big surprise – Taylor wins video of the year.

11:19 – I don’t know that I believe that Taylor has seen Straight Outta Compton.

11:20 – “I’m just happy that in 2015 we live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers.” Amen, Taylor.

11:21 – Did the camera just cut to a half dressed Miley backstage?

CNtOL3CWUAAijz-

11:25 – I knew we weren’t getting out of here without a Miley performance.

11:26 – The furries are back. Thank God.

11:28 – While I enjoyed the spectacle, that new Miley song is horsesh*t.

GIF-MILEY-CLOSE-2-1440993947

11:30 – Well that’s one way to end an award show – by announcing that your new album is online for free (at http://mileycyrusandherdeadpetz.com/ if you are so inclined).

So overall, that show was kind of a trainwreck. The moments that everyone will be talking about are the Miley/Nicki beef and Kanye’s usual shenanigans, but the rest was kind of all over the place. I feel like Miley was trying WAY too hard to be “crazy” and “controversial” and it all came off like an act. She’s best in small doses and when her antics don’t feel so staged. Plus I’ve got a news flash for Miley – this is 2015. Smoking pot is not nearly the big deal that you think it is. That isn’t edgy – at all.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards Running Diary

980x551

After last year’s shenanigans, I proclaimed that I probably wouldn’t be checking in on the MTV VMAs for another decade or so. I meant it at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight it is obvious what an important cultural event the VMAs were. Sure this is an award show where the awards are almost completely irrelevant, but there’s no debating that the 2013 VMAs made an impact. After all, this was the show that had the twerking that was heard round the world and that may or may not have led to the breakup of a marriage. When’s the last time the Oscars did that? The VMAs are a train wreck, but that’s half the fun.

I was still a little on the fence about watching the 2014 VMAs since the Emmys are the next day and I worried about award show fatigue. But then I heard that one of Nicki MInaj’s dancers was bitten by a boa constrictor during rehearsal. I repeat: Bitten by a boa constrictor. That’s enough for me – I’m in. It’s got to be better than whatever disappointing crap they have planned for the True Blood finale. The shooting of Suge Knight and Iggy Azalea falling off the stage Saturday night only adds to the weirdness – and the show hasn’t even happened yet. I’ll probably regret this, but what the hell….2014 VMAs, here I come.

As I’ve done in the past, here’s a running diary of my thoughts as I watch.

Red Carpet

8:00 pm – Sway is still around? Isn’t he too old to be on MTV? He’s been wearing stupid hats since before Pharell made it cool.

8:03 – Jason Derulio. I already don’t like you because of that stupid Wiggle song. You are not helping your case by getting the fans to do the wave. #Ihatethewave

8:05 – Ariana Grande apparently went from having a show on Nickelodeon to being a dominatrix.

Bv1yrFSIQAAQHXS

8:06 – If you are winning an award that they are giving away on the red carpet, you probably aren’t that important.

8:07 – I only learned that 5 Seconds of Summer existed this week.

8:08 – The only time I ever hear about Becky G is at this stupid awards show. Do they just keep her in a box until they need her? Otherwise she needs a better publicist.

8:13 – Ugh. I’m not ready to deal with Taylor Swift this early in the broadcast. I’m also confused by her outfit. I do not get this romper trend. At all.

 

8:14 – Swift was born in 1989? That makes sense, but I’ve never done the math before. That’s depressing.

8:15 – Who in the hell are Fifth Harmony? Are these the children of the Pussycat Dolls?

1066785_1068_5a2VwjEI

8:18 – So a fan asks Iggy a question and she and Sway totally ignore it and answer a different question. That was poor social media integration.

8:19 – Ah….It appears that they had the questions in the wrong order. This show is already going off the rails.

8:20 – “So I need to ask you about your hair.” Silence. No follow up question. Sway should be better at this.

8:21 – Gwen Stefani has not aged in 20 years. That is not fair.

8:24 – “One year later. In the same place. Except we’re not in New York” Oh Miley – don’t ever change.

8:25 – I have no idea why this cracks me up, but Miley’s leather pants inexplicably have pockets.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

8:27 – Only at the VMAs does Adam Levine look like he’s someone’s dad. A hot dad, but a dad nonetheless.

8:28 – I have no idea if Dylan O’Brian is an actor or a singer.

8:29 – Guess he’s an actor.

8:30 – Um, that is not Usher. Unless he’s had a lot of work, I’m pretty sure that’s J Lo.Y’all can’t do this to Sway. STICK TO THE SCRIPT. The old man is getting confused.

8:31 – There he is! Usher is in the crowd. The people in the crowd do not seem to give a crap about this.

8:38 – I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone perform on the actual red carpet. Does this mean that the rest of the celebrities didn’t want to talk to anyone?

8:40 – I don’t know who this Charli XCX is, but I’ve at least heard of this song. Or something pretty similar. It’s a pretty derivative pop song. And her coat looks like something from Clueless.

tumblr_nauax97IMl1qh9nffo1_500

8:41 – Oh. That’s the girl who sings the chorus on “Fancy.” I guess I always thought that was Ariana Grande too. All these collaborations are too hard to keep track of.

8:43 – The only thing I know about Rita Ora is that she dated Rob Kardashian and did not sleep with Jay Z.

8:54 – Apparently someone is making a big arrival, but the video feed is on a relatively empty arena. Well done MTV. You are killing it.

8:58 – Did Katy Perry just pay homage to Justin and Britney’s denim outfits back in the day? And did she just arrive with the guy that James Franco based his Spring Breakers character on?

8:59 – Ha! Yes on both counts. THIS.IS. EVERYTHING.

Bv2IgHlIUAAtwcm

2014 VMAs

9 pm – Kicking off the show with Ariana Grande. Watch the full opening performance here.

9:01 – Are those dancers wearing rain coats?

9:02 – Nicki Minaj – here we go!

1066931_3225_zm861R

9:03 – Kardashians are in the house

9:04 – The sound quality is terrible

9:04 – Wait – I was promised snakes. I see no snakes.

twerk

9:05 – So this must be Jessie J. That is one hell of a slit up the side of her dress.

1066931_8096_JCBhgrR

9:06 – Is Nicki holding her outfit on? This is a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

Nicki-Minaj-VMAs-wardrobe-malfunction-2014-holding-dress-together

9:07 – Well, if nothing else, we know that Snoop Dogg knows his L.A. regional geography.

1066875_1281_di7r7R7GQ

9:08 – Umm….I’m hearing other audio over this. I think I could produce this show better.

9:10 – Katy Perry wins the first award of the evening. Not surprising given that she’s sitting to close to the stage.

9:11 – Are Juicy J and Jessie J related?

9:12 – Jay Pharoah is this year’s host who isn’t a host.

9:13 – The first “Anaconda” joke and statutory Ariana Grande joke of the evening. That didn’t take long. Pretty low hanging fruit for this early in the show.

9:19 – Lorde is delightfully weird.

9:20 – Well at least we’re getting the Taylor Swift performance out of the way early. Watch her full performance here.

9:21 – She looks like a flapper.

tumblr_nauatwp1191qh9nffo1_500

9:22 – She’s wisely left the cultural appropriation at home.

9:22 – Is it the audio or is her pitch a little off?? This audio seems to indicate the latter.

9:23 – Taylor Swift rapping will never not be hilarious.

9:23 – I don’t know if Miley is hypnotized by Taylor’s performance or just really, really high.

giphy

9:24 – There is no way that Chelsea Handler isn’t drunk. That’s not a criticism.

9:25 – “Thank you Taylor Swift for being so white.”

9:26 – Best Male Video winner– Ron Weasley Ed Sheeran. God I hate that song.

1064130_441_1l2JLjRzzyw

9:27 – Best thing about this award show is the very short acceptance speeches.

9:32 – Jay Pharoah does do a sweet Jay Z impression.

9:33 – I would totally buy HOVA-tussin “sold at local pharmacies and strip clubs.”

9:34 – Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels are doing better with this crowd than I would have anticipated, considering most of the people in the audience weren’t even born when Dumb And Dumber was released.

mtv-video-music-awards-see-the-gifs_down-goes-jim-carrey.gif.pagespeed.ce.2VdvaBPqjN

9:35 – Best pop video – Ariana Grande for “Problem.” I’m kind of surprised that beat “Fancy.”

9:36 – Ariana leaves Riff Raff hanging for a high five:

9:37 – Let’s see if Kim Kardashian-West can read better than her little sister. Not a high hurdle to pass.

9:38 – I do not buy for a second that she and Sam Smith are friends.

9:39 – I don’t like this Sam Smith song either. It appears that I have a lot of problems with pop music currently. Watch his performance here.

9:46 – This just got really serious. I’m not sure the VMAs is the best place to discuss Ferguson.

9:47 – MTV probably could have shown some non-black people during that moment of silence.

9:47 – The Kardashian/Jenners apparently forgot about the audience cam since this is what they were allegedly doing during the moment of silence:

kardashians

9:48 – Drake wins best hip hop video, but isn’t there.

9:53 – Now Jay Pharoah is doing his Kanye. Again, it’s pretty spot on.

kanye.jpg

9:54 – The Jenners are finding this hilarious.

864537243

9:56 – Orange is the New Black in da house!

9:57 – Usher. Finally someone I actually like. Watch his performance here.

10:01 – I hope Nicki Minaj is getting paid per performance.

10:02 – I hope Usher didn’t give himself a concussion when he bumped his head off Nicki’s butt.

10:07 – This is a weird combination – Trey Songz and Nina Dobrev.

10:08 – This is also a weird grouping of nominees. Lorde, Imagine Dragons, Artic Monkeys and Lincoln Park all in the same category?

10:08 – Hey Trey Songz – don’t so sound so surprised that a lady was nominated in the Rock category.

10:09 – Taylor Swift is very happy that Lorde won.

giphy

 

10:09 – They gave her the wrong camera direction.

mtv-video-music-awards-see-the-gifs_just-do-you-lorde.gif.pagespeed.ce.YbAkmj0AG6

10:15 – Oh HELL no. They did NOT just call the 1990s“the good old days.”

10:15 – I’m confused how 5 Seconds of Summer were influenced by Blink 182 and Green Day. This sounds nothing like either band. Like, even remotely. And when they say “great bands of the 90s” neither of those bands are what come to mind. Watch their performance here.

10:19 – Ha! Katy Perry just golf clapped that performance. She can’t even.

mtv-video-music-awards-see-the-gifs_golf-clapping.gif.pagespeed.ce.K-pFGDC3s8

10:25 – I don’t know if this is Miley backlash or what, but these VMAs are really boring.

10:26 – I should have guessed that Simon Cowell was someohow behind Fifth Harmony. They win Artist to watch. Yawn.

10:27 – With absolutely no transition, let’s honor Robin Williams (who had nothing to do with music).

10:32 – J Lo here to present Iggy Azalea, who she is hyping on her “Booty” remix. Watch her performance here.

10:33 – I guarantee someone will make a GIF of Taylor Swift getting down to Iggy.

10:33 – Literally 30 seconds later…..

864539379

10:34 – This is a pretty low energy performance.

10:36 – J Lo’s face just then “Oh sh*t. I hitched my star to this wagon?”

10:41 – Jason Derulo and Demi Lovato pimping their own tours when they should be introducing Maroon 5.

10:41 – Poor Maroon 5 aren’t even allowed to perform inside. Watch their performance here.

maroon-5-performance-vma2014

10:43 – This sounds terrible….and I normally like Maroon 5 just fine.

10:45 – Jimmy Fallon! But you host The Tonight Show you are better this. And f&* you for playing “Cotton Eyed Joe” during this segment.

katy-sam.jpg

10:46 – I’m sorry Jimmy. I’m not really mad at you ❤

10:47 – Miley wins. This might finally get exciting.

10:47 – Wait. What the hell? Who is this dude?

10:48 – This got serious real fast. But kudos to Miley for using this time for something important. But you know producers were PISSED that just happened. And it sounded like a bunch of the douchebags in the audience booed.

giphy1

More info on Miley’s effort to help end youth homelessness is here.

10:48 – For those of you keeping track at home – last year, she was a twerking furry. This year, an ambassador of charity. That Miley is unpredictable.

10:49 – Why are we abruptly jumping back to Maroon 5?

10:55 – Poor Sway – now they are cutting him off mid-promo. #FreeSway

10:56 – FINALLY!! Beyoncé takes the stage. Watch her entire performance here.

10:57 – I still think that it’s kind of messed up that Justin Timberlake won this vanguard award before Queen B. #nodisrespecttoJT

10:58 “MTV welcome to my world.” She’s right – it’s her world, we’re all just living in it.

tumblr_naue1vUeXt1qh9nffo1_500

11:00 This tweet cracked me up:

 

11:01 – Beyoncé looks amazing, but she also looks like she’s wearing a stained glass window.

11:02 – That is a lot of glitter in potentially uncomfortable places. Eh – it looks cool.

beyonce-performance-leg-spread

11:03 – I will never fail to be amused by Beyoncé singing about a “surfboard.”

11:03 – Jay Z is there, but more importantly – was that our first look at Blue Ivy’s face?? If that wasn’t supposed to happen, some cameraman is about to be taken down by the Illuminati.

11:07 – “Bow down bitches.” No truer words have been spoken.

11:08 – Hmm….they used the remix version of “Flawless” with the “billion dollars in an elevator” line. Interesting.

11:08 – THIS.

Bv2svHvIgAIvtJU

 

11:09 – Blue Ivy is already a better dancer than I am.

tumblr_nauefoxpop1qh9nffo1_500

11:11 – Where’s my Kardashian reaction to this performance?

11:12 – Did the cameraman just read my mind?

11:12 – OMG – BLUE IVY SPEAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Good job Mommy.”

11:13 – “I have nothing to say. I am filled with so much gratitude. I just thank God for this moment. I love y’all so much. Blue blue, I love you. My beloved, I love you. My fans, I love you. MTV, I love you. Goodnight.” The Queen has spoken

11:15 – Carter family OUT. Fade to black. End scene.

giphy2

And there you have it…another VMAs in the books. Other than the epic-ness that is Beyonce, this show was kind of a snooze. I don’t know if they were overcompensating for the coo-coo bananas stuff that happened last year, but not much exciting happened. If for some reason you are interested, here’s the complete list of winners.