Heather Watches the 2016 Golden Globes

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It’s that time of year again for awards season to kick into high gear with the Golden Globes. The Globes are always a weird night – the winners are often odd, the booze is flowing and television and movie stars are trapped together in a room. Ricky Gervais was back again to host after taking a few years off; I like Gervais, but I’ll miss the comedy stylings of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Gervais spends way too much time trying to be edgy and pretending he doesn’t care about any of this, but I thinks he doth protest too much. I’ll admit that I’m not much into the Globes this year and would have preferred to go to bed, but a blogger’s life is full of sacrifices.

As always, I kept a running diary of my thoughts of the show.

Red Carpet coverage – skipped this completely. I was far too invested in the Packers/Washington football team playoff game to switch the channel to hear awkward banter. I have enough of that in my life already.

Watch the full monologue here.

8 pm – Topical Sean Penn jokes kicks things off. Like that Ricky Gervais has a beer on the podium.

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8:01 – Shots fired at NBC’s zero Golden Globe nominations.

8:03 – This material about Jeffrey Tambor and Transparent isn’t working; Ricky – you can do better.

8:05 – “Remember if you do win tonight, no one cares about that award as much as you do. Don’t get emotional, it’s embarrassing.”

8:08 – Jonah Hill as the bear in The Revenant.

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8:09 – Hill is getting bleeped a lot. This premise could have worked, but it does not.

8:10 – Jane Fonda is not amused by ANY of this.

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8:11 – Kate Winslet wins best supporting actress in a flim for Steve Jobs and looks very surprised by this. She’s pulling a Taylor Swift.

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8:12 – They really need to have a clearer path for the winners to get to the stage.

8:13 – Important reminder – Winslet’s hubby is named Nick Rocknroll.

8:14 – The Rock and J Lo to present best supporting actress on TV. That’s a lot of attractiveness on the stage.

Photo by Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal via Getty Images

8:15 – Maura Tierney and her glasses wins for The Affair.

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8:20 – Andy Samberg here to present best actress in a comedy TV series.

8:21 – I would actually pay to see the guitar dude from Mad Max: Fury Road to play the In Memorium segment.

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8:22 – Whoa – Rachel Bloom wins for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Did not see that one coming.

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8:23 – Uh – there was already a musical comedy on network television. It’s called Galavant and it’s awesome.

8:24 – Oy. Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard to present best TV comedy. Are they contractually obligated to do everything together?

8:25 – Amazon’s Mozart in the Jungle wins – a show I just realized was a thing like two weeks ago.

8:26 – Viola Davis is here to present a scene from Carol. Shine bright like a diamond, Viola.

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8:33 – Brad Pitt appears to be the only person paying attention to the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press’ speech.

8:34 – Ben Affleck cheating BURN.

8:35 – Isn’t it weird to have Matt Damon present a scene from his own movie?

8:36 – Odd pairing Bryce Dallas Howard and Orlando Bloom present best limited series or TV movie.

8:37 – Wolf Hall wins, marking the first award going to something that I actually have seen.

8:39 – Amber Heard and Jamie Alexander need to get their act together. They are doing a terrible job of presenting best actor in a limited series or TV movie

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8:40 – I can’t argue with Oscar Issac’s win, but David Oyelowo is amazing in Nightingale.

8:45 – Jason Statham, Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Feig present Spy.

8:46 – I enjoy Statham doing comedy.

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8:47 – Tom Ford and Lady Gaga present best actor in TV series.

8:48 – Christian Slater wins for Mr. Robot, a series that I quite enjoy.

8:50 – Jamie Foxx and Lily James present original score in a motion picture.

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8:51 – Foxx is such a creeper. Even Denzel looks bewildered.

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8:52 – Will Smith might be the only person enjoying this.

8:53 – Foxx pulls Steve Harvey and give the award to Straight Outta Compton. Real winner is The Hateful Eight, which Tarantino accepts for Ennio Morricone.

8:54 – Tarantino just called movie composing “the ghetto.” I’m sure that will be well received.

8:54 – Also – Tarantino’s speech was factually inaccurate; Morricone has previously won a ton of awards, including two Golden Globes.

8:55 – Foxx introduces his daughter as Miss Golden Globe, whom I assume he will not hit on.

8:56 – Ricky’s beer is getting pretty low.

8:56 – America Ferrera and Eve Longoria having some fun with the fact that they are mistaken for other Latina actresses before presenting best actor in a TV drama. This is a legit stacked category.

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8:57 – WHOO-HOO!!! Jon Hamm wins for Mad Men. This has made the last hour worthwhile.

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9:03 – The awesomeness continues with Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer. They’re here to present clips from Trainwreck and Joy.

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9:04 – Unexpectedly, they are adorable.

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9:06 – Amy Adams is here to present best actor in a comedy.

9:07 – Why do they have Mark Ruffalo sitting in the dark?

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9:07 – Matt Damon wins for The Martian, which is not really a comedy but whatever.

9:14 – Keeping it in the family, Kurt Russell and Kate Hudson present best animated film.

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9:15 – The closest thing to a lock tonight – Inside Out gets the win.

9:16 – Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt are almost too handsome for this stage. They’re here to present a clip from The Big Short.

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9:19 – J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette present best supporting actor in a motion picture.

9:20 – I love that they are playing the Rocky theme as Sylvester Stallone accepts his win. And a standing ovation to boot!

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9:21 – Glad Stallone won, but he really should have thanked Michael B. Jordan and Ryan Coogler.

9:23 – Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are here to present in silly glasses.

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9:25 – Haha – they are making fun of the TV people seated in the back.

9:27 – Aaron Sorkin wins best screenplay for Steve Jobs.

9:28 – Supergirl and The Flash present for best actor in a comedy series.

9:29 – Aziz Ansari – amazing!

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9:33 – UPSET ALERT – Jeffrey Tambor does not win! Gael Garcia Bernal wins for Mozart in the Jungle, which the Foreign Press apparently loves.

9:37 – Helen Mirren and Gerard Butler present best foreign language film.

9:37 – Mirren tells Butler that he looks good for his age 😉

9:39 – Hungry wins for Son of Saul.

9:40 – Gervais is right – this show could be half an hour.

9:41 – Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong are in fact short. They’re presenting best actress in a limited series.

 

9:43- Proof that the Hollywood Foregin Press are crazy – they just gave Lady Gaga a Golden Globe for American Horror Story: Hotel.

9:44 – Watch Leo’s face in this Vine. #Priceless

 

9:45 – There are some very weird cutaways during these speeches – especially to people who are not paying attention.

9:46 – Take it down a notch Gaga. I’m sure that you’re excited to win, but you didn’t cure cancer.

 

9:50 – Now Katy Perry is presenting. Did this morph into the Grammys? And is she wearing a bumpit?

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9:51 – It’s not a surprise that the song from Spectre won, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

9:53 – Well Ricky Gervais certainly went after Mel Gibson in such a way that I seriously thought that Gibson wasn’t actually there. That was

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9:54 – The uncensored version of what Gervais said when he came back out on stage:

9:54 – Whatever Gibson said to Gervais, it was bleeped out and shocked Alan Cumming.

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9:56 – Gorgeous duo Olivia Wilde and John Krasinki to present best drama series.

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9:57 – Yay! Mr. Robot wins. The Globes make no sense, but sometimes they make fun picks.

9:59 – I would literally pay $1,000,000 to find out what Jane Fonda and Terrence Howard could possibly be chatting about.

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10:02 – Now here’s Tom Hanks to try and lend some class to this dumpster fire of an award show. He’s here to present Denzel with the Cecil B. DeMille award.

10:08 – It’s clear from that montage that there are a surprising number of Denzel Washington movies that I’ve never seen.

10:12 – It’s sweet that Denzel brought up his whole family. Here’s his speech.

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10:19 – Does Chris Evans have a slight speech impediment? He seems to have trouble with words “story,” “abuse” and “church” in introducing Spotlight.

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10:20 – Person in the audience – do not “whoop” for the city of Boston when it is preceded by “rocked by sex abuse scandal.”

10:23 – Moran Freeman presents best director in a motion picture and has surprisingly worked with none of the candidates.

10:24 – Alejandro G. Inarritu wins for The Revenant, which I hope to see this week.

10:25 – Two people I don’t care about give Taraji P. Henson her award for Empire.

10:26 – Haha – Taraji hands out cookies on her way to the stage.

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10:27 – Dude! Do NOT step on her train!

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10:28 – Word to the producers – if you know what’s best for you, do not play off Taraji. I sincerely believe that she’ll rough you up.

10:31 – Michael Keaton to present best actress in a comedy. Fingers crossed that it’s Amy Schumer! I’d love to hear her speech.

10:32 – Eh. Jennifer Lawrence is always great. Didn’t love Joy but always love her. She and A Shu hug it out.

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10:33- I’ve got bad news for you JLaw – Kentucky is not a hometown.

10:34 – Maggie Gyllenhaal introduces clips from Room. She always seems so regal and composed. Though I’m not fully on board with that dress.

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10:39 – Tobey Maguire introduces clips from fellow “p*ssy posse” member Leonardo DiCaprio’s film The Revenant

10:41 – Jim Carey has two Golden Globes. Let that sink in.

10:42 – Actually, he’s pretty funny. That’s a low bar tonight, but I’m finding him amusing. He’s here to present best motion picture comedy. And his beard is amazing.

Photo by Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal via Getty Images

Photo by Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal via Getty Images

10:43 – The Globes is committing to their nonsense about The Martian being a comedy by also giving this award. Great movie, that also has some laughs, but it is not a comedy.

10:51 – Eddie Redmayne presents best actress in a drama; has to put up with Ricky Gervais’ silly intro about his role in The Danish Girl.

10:52 – Hooray for Brie Larson, who has been overlooked in Hollywood for too long. She’s good in everything.

73rd ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS -- Pictured: (l-r) Brie Larson, "Room", Winner, Best Actress - Motion Picture, Drama at the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 -- (Photo by: Paul Drinkwater/NBC)

Photo by: Paul Drinkwater/NBC

10:52 – This also seems like the appropriate time to say that the father of her young co-star is very attractive:

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10:53 – Julianne Moore presents best actor in a drama.

10:54 – Leo wins. Everyone is happy. He still wants a goddamn Oscar.

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10:57 – We almost got through this show without anyone talking about issues, but Leonardo gets a plea for the protection of indigenous people in just under the wire.

11:02 – The Golden Globes brings it home with Harrison Ford presenting the award for best drama.

11:03 – The Revenant is the big winner.

11:04 – Inexplicable reaction shot of Jon Hamm, but I’m not complaining.

11:05 – Tom Hardy apparently does not do awards shows. This is not surprising.

11:06 – Thank goodness this foolishness is over.

So as far as awards shows go, I’m going to say that this one was pretty terrible. Gervais was only occasionally funny and a lot of his “edgy” material was pretty dated. Plus I don’t really understand the point of having a host that consistently wants to complain about how little these awards matter and how he doesn’t want to be there; a little self-deprecation is totally fine and welcome, but after a while it’s like “if you are so miserable, why are you here?” I’m all for edgy if it’s also funny, which most of his jokes were not. Same goes for a lot of the presenters, who suffered from bits that just didn’t work or from their sheer lack of giving a shit about what they were doing. Of course, then there were the people who went in the opposite direction, like Lady Gaga’s over the top acceptance speech. I’m never going to love the Golden Globes, but they were a much more enjoyable mess when Tina and Amy were hosting. Maybe have Brad Pitt and Ryan Glosling do it; they were the surprise comedy duo of the evening. This awards show was instantly forgettable – thank goodness that I took notes while watching it or I would have forgotten most of it. I think Rob Lowe’s reaction sums it up best:

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