It’s that time of year again, when I discover just how freaking old I am by doing a running diary of my experience of watching the MTV Video Music Awards.
8:00 – Well this was at least tuning in for – Walk the Moon performing “Shut Up and Dance.”
8:02 – Hold up – why are we cutting away from the band to meet the interview team? That’s not what I signed up for.
8:03 – That Jeremy Scott character is hella creepy.
8:04 – For a while there, I didn’t think that Demi Lovato could say anything other than “Thank you.”
8:06 – Hot take: Walk the Moon’s new song is not as good as “Shut Up and Dance,” at least based on the ten seconds that they let us hear.
8:10 – Ugh. Christy Tiegan. Not a fan. John Legend could do better. But she does look great.
8:11 – Well, I made it 11 minutes into this pre-show before I didn’t know who people were. That’s not bad. Sorry cast of Awkward, Faking It and Girl Code Live – you have not registered on my pop culture radar.
8:13 – Who is this weird bearded guy that Kelly Osborne just introduced as her fashion correspondent:
8:14 – A puppy pen? I can get behind this.
8:19 – “I’m here to talk to you about an extremely popular video that people are extremely anticipating to be shown in this show. Something that’s never been shown before.” – I don’t think Sway (or his writers) know what all those words mean.
8:20 – The Moonman is the most iconic award? Slow down Jeremey Scott.
8:22 – Poor Best Rock Video. It doesn’t even get awarded on the regular show.
8:23 – Fall Out Boy is rock? Ok then.
8:24 – Oy. These idiots from Girl Code don’t know what “vanguard” means.
8:27 – Nick Jonas may be the smartest person in this room. That’s a pretty low standard.
8:30 – Poor Miley Cyrus. I think all this acting out is just to make up for her having perhaps the worst speaking voice of all time.
8:32 – I refuse to acknowledge anyone who has YouTube sensation on their resume as an actual celebrity.
8:39 – Man, they don’t even try to hide their corporate schilling.
8:40 – Best pop video also gets awarded on the red carpet. Taylor Swift does not accept in person.
8:41 – Another award on the red carpet – 5 Seconds of Summer wins song of the summer. I disagree.
8:45 – Nick Jonas presented by State Farm. I wish I was making this up.
8:38 – Um, don’t look behind you Nick Jonas, but you are being followed by a lot of sexy astronauts.
8:50 – I’m impressed that Taylor Swift got Mariska Hargitay to show up for this foolishness. She has got to be the oldest person on this red carpet other than Sway.
8:55 – Taylor’s new video; you had me at Scott Eastwood.
8:56 – I think I like Taylor better with dark hair.
9:00 – Kicking it off with Nicki Minaj. Smart move
9:02 – I’m impressed she can move with that giant headdress.
9:03 – Kayne likes her performance; he even smiled.
9:04 – Whoa – Taylor Swift performing with Nicki? I did not see that coming.
9:05 – Not for nothing, but their lip syncing is pretty inconsistent.
9:06 – Um…that does not look like Downtown L.A.
9:07 – Is Macklemore singing about a freaking moped? Is this a parody?
9:07 – This reminds me of West Side Story – not in a good way.
9:08 – Who is this Freddie Mercury looking like guy? (It’s apparently Eric Nally and I wasn’t the only one who made the comparison)
9:08 – This visual of Macklemore on a guy’s shoulders is hilarious.
9:08 – I’m pretty positive he just worked “tiramisu” into his rap.
9:09 – Haha – Macklemore has a raccoon tail on his jacket.
9:09 – Kanye is unimpressed with all of this.
9:11 – Our first glimpse of host Miley Cyrus. She’s fully dressed, so that’s a surprise.
9:12 – I do like her googly eye rings. Where does one find those?
9:12 – WHAT DID JUSTIN BIEBER DO TO HIS HAIR?
9:13 – “I took the year off to focus on my true love – Instagram.” That’s really funny
9:14 – Andy Samberg makes everything better.
9:16 – I can’t believe that they got Rita Ora in a pool of spaghetti.
9:17 – Britney is in the house! She looks fab. And she can kind of read.
9:18 – So we’re still pretending that Mark Ronson has anything to do with this song’s success? Just checking.
9:18 – Well considering that they didn’t even let Mark Ronson talk, I’m guessing that jig is up.
9:24 – Miley is back with a lot less clothing.
9:25 – Jared Leto looks a little like Corey Felman in this outfit.
9:25 – Yay! I really dig The Weeknd.
9:28 – I’m surprised it took this long to show Taylor Swift dancing.
9:28 – Kanye is also busting a move:
9:29 – Rebel Wilson in a cop uniform.
9:31 – It sounds like they are piping in laughter for this bit. This is completely tone deaf.
9:32 – Can Nicki not walk in that dress? That seems like a bad choice.
9:32 – I’ve got a feeling Nicki’s pastor wants nothing to do with any of this.
9:33 – Nicki Minaj – calling Miley Cyrus OUT! #shotsfired.
9:34 – Miley takes her own shot – “It’s no big deal. It’s just an award. I persevered.” (unless this is all a bit – that’s possible too). Is it impressive to throw shade while wearing this outfit.
9:40 – Rapper sleepovers!
9:41 – “Meek Mill has been through enough.”
9:41 – So the LAPD killed Biggie? Mystery solved!
9:42 – This may be the weirdest outfit so far.
9:43 – So obviously we have to be pulling for Nicki to win just so she can get on the microphone again.
9:44 – Dang. Swifty. Maybe someone will rush the stage.
9:45 – Haha…go for it Kanye!
9:46 – Maybe the director will start some drama.
9:52 – Miley may be setting a record for most costume changes.
9:52 – Are we still saying “turnt?”
9:53 – This is an interesting wardrobe choice for Demi Lovoto
9:54 – I sincerely hope that the censor tonight is getting hazard pay.
9:55 – Iggy Azalea is the special guest? I was hoping she’d aim higher.
9:57 – The confetti budget for this show is off the charts.
9:58 – Strategically, wouldn’t it have been smarter to release a song called “Cool for the summer” earlier in the year?
10:02 – Justin Bieber continues his rehabilitation tour with a performance at the VMAs.
10:03 – I’ll give him this – his synchronized dance move game is still pretty strong.
10:06 – I wonder if he’s wearing the hat because even he realizes his hair looks stupid.
10:07 – Is this from Bieber’s spoken word album?
10:08 – Bieber busted out a little Peter Pan action.
10:09 – Is he crying? Did they pull that harness too tight?
10:09 – I actually liked this ridiculous coat.
10:11 – More Kanye smiling!
10:11 – Big Sean’s grandmother sounds like a pretty kick ass lady.
10:20 – Miley channels Rainbow Brite.
10:21 – Did Miley just call Snoop Dogg “her real mammy?”
10:21 – I do not believe that Miley cares a hoot about Kim Kardashian.
10:22 – Not only have I never heard of Tori Kelly, I’ve never heard this song either.
10:26 – She did a nice job, though.
10:31 – What I’ve been waiting for – Kanye West’s Vanguard Award (Read his whole speech here)
10:32 – Look, I love Kanye, but they may be overstating the importance of this award a little bit. He didn’t cure cancer.
10:34 – Haha…..Taylor Swift is giving Kanye his award.
10:35 – “I’m really happy for you… And Imma let you finish, but Kanye West has had one of the greatest careers of all time.”
10:36 – They even hugged! Beefs are being squashed all over the place.
10:37 – Mackemore looks unimpressed.
10:38 – Honestly, the most Kanye thing he could do right now is say nothing and walk off the stage.
10:39 – Kanye goes to the grocery story? I’m calling b.s. on that.
10:40 – Kanye is asking a lot of questions and he’s not giving a lot of answers.
10:40 – I really hope he wraps this up by saying that he totally would have interrupted Taylor all over again.
10:41 – Is this Kanye’s apology for making Taylor Swift a thing? I hate to tell him that we’re all pretty much over that.
10:42 – Umm…Kanye. You ain’t dead. You didn’t die for anything.
10:44 – “Listen to the kids, brah.” I have no idea who the kids are and who brah is, but this is classic Kanye.
10:46 – Kanye West is the Donald Trump of award shows.
10:46 – If this is Kanye with the edge off, I don’t think that marijuana worked.
10:47 – Kanye – we are the same age. We aren’t millennials.
10:48 – Wait?!?! Is Kanye really running for President in 2020????? PLEASE LET THIS BE SO!
10:56 – Good luck to Pharell performing after that craziness.
10:56 – Again with people “putting them in a box.” Is this a real problem in the music industry? Are people actually in boxes?
10:58 – Pharell looks like Elvis in Jailhouse Rock.
10:59 – What is on the back of Pharell’s pants? Is that an Adidas symbol?
11:07 – What else does Fetty Wap have going on that he’s not at the VMAs.
11:08 – Twenty One Pilots and A$AP Rocky. This will should be interesting.
11:11 – I wouldn’t have necessarily though about putting those two acts together, but that mostly worked as well as anything else on this show (which isn’t saying much).
11:15 – Old person gripe: this show was supposed to be over by now. I want to go to bed.
11:18 – No big surprise – Taylor wins video of the year.
11:19 – I don’t know that I believe that Taylor has seen Straight Outta Compton.
11:20 – “I’m just happy that in 2015 we live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers.” Amen, Taylor.
11:21 – Did the camera just cut to a half dressed Miley backstage?
11:25 – I knew we weren’t getting out of here without a Miley performance.
11:26 – The furries are back. Thank God.
11:28 – While I enjoyed the spectacle, that new Miley song is horsesh*t.
11:30 – Well that’s one way to end an award show – by announcing that your new album is online for free (at http://mileycyrusandherdeadpetz.com/ if you are so inclined).
So overall, that show was kind of a trainwreck. The moments that everyone will be talking about are the Miley/Nicki beef and Kanye’s usual shenanigans, but the rest was kind of all over the place. I feel like Miley was trying WAY too hard to be “crazy” and “controversial” and it all came off like an act. She’s best in small doses and when her antics don’t feel so staged. Plus I’ve got a news flash for Miley – this is 2015. Smoking pot is not nearly the big deal that you think it is. That isn’t edgy – at all.